So many sunny days

Home field this morning 

How DO I see conscious labor and intentional suffering play out in my life each day?  SF connects it to three centered being and self remembering, and he is not wrong, but in the application, that feels like applying the rules, making it an intellectual, self control process. That does not feel quite right to me these days. OK to get one started on the path. BP says coming to our web explorations for all these years is surely a conscious labor, and she is totally right. F says my willingness to expose myself, to embarrass myself and reveal my ignorance, paraphrasing, are admirable. But it’s not that or quite any of these things. I said it felt like an epiphany, reading BT p350

“But during the last two centuries this word has come to be used there now in two senses:

“In one sense it is used for the same purpose as before, that is to say, those beings there are so named who became initiates thanks to their personal conscious labors and intentional suffer-

ings; and thereby, as I have already told you, they acquire in themselves objective merits which can be sensed by other beings irrespective of brain-system, and which also evoke in others trust

and respect.”

It occurred to me that we acquire objective merits more through our own experience than through reading and repeating the wisdom of other acknowledged initiates. So I should be looking throughout my day to see how parktdolg duty plays out, more than reading more about GIG.  

It’s already noon, for example; Is playing with my dog because he’s asking me to an example of love 

and conscious labor, especially when I don’t particularly want to interrupt my intellectual/spiritual pursuit du jour?  And, is pretty much constant awareness and prayer for a daughter who resents me not intentional suffering?  Yet I need to look beyond those two constants—obsessions?  habits?—at my interactions with husband, neighbors, the neighborhood, and with God, don’t I? Possibly self, body, too. 

….,.,.,

Gwynne Mayer says in her Personality and Essence Substack of  10-27:

“Relationships reveal this division with unusual clarity. I often believe I am meeting another person directly, yet I may actually be bringing my expectations, fears, roles, and old grievances into the encounter. The other person does the same. Two personalities then negotiate, compete, withdraw, flatter, defend, and keep score, while genuine contact remains rare.””

Nicoll’s contrast between internal and external considering is especially practical here. Internal considering means being absorbed in how I am treated: whether I am sufficiently appreciated, understood, or respected. I replay a tone of voice, count what I have given, and build a case for why the other person is wrong. The more I rehearse the grievance, the more solid and justified it feels.

External considering asks something different. It does not mean surrendering judgment, tolerating harm, or pretending that every behavior is acceptable. It means trying to see the other person as they actually are, including their limitations, fears, and mechanical habits, rather than seeing only the injury to my self-image. It asks me to respond to reality instead of to the drama created by wounded vanity.”

Ain’t it the truth!

Last minute

 

Gladstone’s colors yesterda

Not a good day til webinar. Constipation, laxatives  hemorrhoids, small fissures, pain 26 hours. Poor Red. Not much attention except tossing to tubes. Feeling better tonight. Except anguish for S. Haven’t heard her voice since  “three little pigs”

JG took A grocery shopping after his four filling!! dental visit. What a good person he is. 

What next? Shadow time

 

Last night

Running out of time

 

Dog park trail today. Stinky!

Busy enough today. Stayed home. Read.  Good webinar though late due to Euro time zone changes. I was late too, fell asleep til 1:10. But as said postponed meeting til  2:00.  Worked on something I effectively; walked Red in dog park. Eating too much all day more later

Blow or glow?

 

Almost Halloween

Burned the beans. Cornbread hood. Dinner turned out ok

Thanks for food, Lord. And good weather. And sisters and neighbors And A

  Patrice said on web people just want to blow. Or was it glow?  In regard to computer age/ devices 

Phoned S to 10:40 to say goodnight. (and make sure she’s alive). How was your day?  “I had a pretty good day. “I just didn’t want to talk to the three little pigs. Take a day off.” OK. Click.  

Lord have mercy. 

I was whining. A said behavior counts. 

Unforglven. And sticky

The culprit Scpic today

Well, how could a daughter possibly forgive a mother who is an “airhead” and who does not take directions well and who never cared?  

I don’t remember a lot of things and it doesn’t pay to ask, regardless of how traumatic they were for her. Or other people  My bad memory may, I think, be a way of handling my own trauma, which never seems to end. And I pray Jesus for strength and helpers to see this life through to its proper end and not just give up. 

Not well today, she said; her ire raised the hen I didn’t know that she cervical displasia 2013 which would have been cancer in another month, had some chemo? And definitely surgery, going home post op on a bus  she saved an abused child calling DHS after a fellow rider said he heard a neighbor discuss making child porn 

So maybe she has good reason to accuse me as she does.  Except I can’t say why I forget  but I do

Woke up at 3:30 am when she messaged beautiful pics of a massive vegetable quiche she made. Fell back to sleep for an hour about 10am. This is annoying but funny and even scary. I had a Werthers hard caramel between my cheek and gum when I woke up, certainly did not remember putting it in my mouth. Lucky I did not swallow and choke. But the smell stupid funny bit was that I had slobbered for that hour , leaving 3/4 inch stocky wet spot inside the brown fleece anorak that I “never wear” but bid today. Intending onto give it away but not clean that up!

And I’d better lay off the candy

T&S had a Halloween party   Only saw 3 or 4 guests arriving in costume  Gladstone’s uber strong pot nearly knocked me over from across the street 

Dewey “ran away from home” and dropped in here an hour ago, just as Red did to Luca’s house while I was putting supper in the oven

Red and I walked in the schoolyard and shopped at Walmart today  I’m veery sleepy now waiting for C and Nola

Swearing

S’s vegetables, her pic

 Phone call devolved into high screech about bullying. Not allowed to say tone it down a notch we’re not against you. All because I mentioned the neighbors pale blue  No hate in Wbk sign. She was bullied and can’t forget or forgive or reconcile herself. What good does eternal victimhood serve?  Pitiable, but unless revenge is possible and effective, all lose. Guess that’s why I like the Equalizer movies. And we have Avengers stories. It comes back to the sinful nature of humanity. And ubiquity of suffering.  

Dump it on someone else and rationalize by admitting to “a little” profanity without acknowledging voice pitch or speed or volume. Or their effect on any of us. “A stream of the old rancid,” Maggie Smith denominated it in an old Poirot movie. But not a management tactic here. Only as A called it, hysteria, and fuel for future outbursts. 

Crotchety

 

Riverbank Trail yesterday

That’s me. Crotchety  but a am grateful for this beautiful autumn days, for friendly neighbors and their dogs, for home, town and country, for family, for moments of peace. 

Yard crew here today.

 

So much yummier, as Catwoman said 

Tidy

Now that’s a back yard, Daichi!

Thank you, Brody, and God bless you all. New men, one silent Latino, and Caz-Cazden—“my mom made it up .”

Refraction, reflection, whatever

 

Morning light

German webinar today went very well. Red and I walked the usual neighborhood path. Watched a Statham movie— not proud of it, but I like him