Don’t feel like talking

 

My sunbeams with Sue’s arrival

So zip it 

Frightened?

 

After the parade is done. Saturday, 6-6-26

I think so. Frightened of this life, and resentful. A “feels besieged”. Is that the word he used?  Or was it more like betrayed? Grim. Grim old age. Then Grim Reaper  

I’m afraid of this on-thrust of new and heavy responsibilities.  I want to resist and not embrace them. Push them away. Shift them to someone safer more capable, but who?  No one seems capable or willing. So it’s hard to feel thankful or grateful or playful or tuned in moment to moment.i see the short comings so ilecture and give orders that no one wants to hear, trying to solve their problems, to convince them to try to see and solve them with my solutions if they don’t see the issues that I see. I’m trying to help, and it feels like work, an actual job with uncertain relationships  like teaching was  or D’s Cosco job or past office employments 

How’s that working for me?  I’m suffering. What is suffering, my personality or essence? It feels like it has nothing to do with either, like it’s about getting everyone to take care of their own business so I don’t have to. Friction:  Will it really yield growth?  Attempts at self calming: My best allegory is the movie the Martian.  Totally. Alone.  Keep showing the problem and you might get to come home  But he has the whole world rooting for him and trying to help solve such a difficult problem, stranded alone in an alien environment  

I still pray constantly inside help me. And do not the others and am I not my brother‘s keeper? but I feel so incapable 

“If it were done when ‘tis done, then it were well it is done quickly.  But in these cases…”

Just trying to keep each other afloat, and myself. 

Sue arrived. An hour later we’re in full manic chaos for dinner. Too much truthing. What abt ding in car.  A. Jumped in   And my exasperation. I lied. I don’t trust you.   Flash point. Non stop crudity and yammer over credit card  creeps 

Quiet day

East send beach in rain

Unevenilfyll day. Two webinars. Wet trip to Ptld. Icrcrsm. TV rove

Just never know

 

Together parade

Parade at the dog park

So Que sera sera

Quiet, cool cloudy high humidity day. I Upstairs most of the day. Came down to read to me again, a night of the seven kingdoms. Boy do I love that!  I wasn’t feeling healthy, but felt better when we went out to. the parade at 10 o’clock. illegal turn to park right where A had his accident. I think we all enjoyed the parade— Bands, Shriners cars, politicans ; kids, candy throwing, a waying blonde Miss Something in an evening gown; people retrieving Red every time I dropped his leash and making over him, of course. 

We three left I to make  his way to the Carnival in the park then walk home while we went grocery shopping and to the dog park. We got home almost at the same time. We all dropped back into bed for naps then. He said he At Don’s Lumch. 

Something

 

Decay

Some good things come from the struggle.  Great talk with I  yesterday about his life, his mother, his father. Will there be any permanent good effect?  Too much to ask. JP drove I around an hour and a half.

    Hot day. I couldn’t walk. 

    Did I write that just this morning?  It feels like a week ago!  And today was an unlucky day.  Could not change my mammo appt unless to April ‘27. AM errands well in hand until I decided to call I about McD pickup then went in rather than drive through. 20 hot min at noon, A waitingin car!  I complained:  walk ins lowest priority. Got to city hall next and turned away from early voting: closed yesterday except “special  needs” people. Must go on Election Day. 

Then A grabbed mail as soon as we got home. Terrible:  his drivers license is suspended.  

  Then Good at home:  mowers came. I helped majorly with floor cleaning, waxing.  We rested, fixed dinner, planned to go to WBK Together fair, at which pot I discovered I could not find my bank envelope. Searched everywhere then dropped I ar carnival and drove to McDonald’s to ask. Saw a burly man in a pink plaid kilt. Not there. Back to park with Red. Stumbled through the immigrant horde, listened to a couple of rock tunes, only wasted $19.  Saw and greeted that wonderfully quirky blonde kid again, he recognized me too Returned home at dusk after about an hour. I played beautiful piano music for me then went upstairs after C arrived at which point I delivered my litany of old age generated woes.  Said St Anthony prayer; we accepted our losses  

   In bed A brought me the white envelope it was mixed up with with his papers and withdrawals. 11:15 pm. I hate to say it, but seems he’s the flashpoint of many of my losses lately  

   Feeling the Afib tonight

Lord help us both. IJN and thank you SA

Symptoms

 

Did I mention I hate the way I look

    This daily life is no longer a habit since I is visiting me.  Us. I am certainly acting more like a first sergeant giving orders all day again, and I don’t like myself this way and neither do they but I can’t seem to stop it  I see anxiety, and want to smooth it out and make it go away. How much can I really do? But I have to make the effort. My body is not functioning. Well, I’m having difficulty walking different parts of the day. I have sneezing and postnasal drip. In my a fib is just very uncomfortable.  I’m spending money like I have it. I’m trying to get house repairs done and talking to people hiring them which is not comfortable for me either.  I’m Inattentive on my webinars and I can’t say I’m working on Myself. I’m arguing with ALLAN a lot and giving him orders which I don’t like to do  This is all personality and not a pleasant one

Don’t forget today

  

I like it

 To post I mean. Busy busy day payments  to S and C b Walmart shopping. Sofa deliveryNW gardening with Ian. D re retaining wall

Time keeps slipping by

   

Tuesday in the park with A

   Many activities daily, I’m the initiator in all of them. It wears me out. Weak right thigh, evening Afib, phone money argument with S are big complaints of the day. Let me tell you what to do and think. Are you even listening? Not much time left together, I think. Suffering is reality I think Robin said today in webinar. After Kundabuffer, perceiving all things upside down, which must be our twisting for happiness, self calming, self satisfaction.

Forgot!

 

Chef du just

Went to movie today after we cleaned out gatage a while. Driving issues

Nice morning

 

On the trail, by the factory, just across 

The street from the store, turns out

 All the boys walked the “hood twice briefly.9   I read to me,  Hedge Knight. I drove us  to Park, Red and I walked nearly a mile, encountering Kevin with the guitar and 2/3 dogs. I walked to Julie York’s store, Weekend Anime then returned with us to the parking lot. Can’t wake up since our return, any of us. Rain started when we got home. Too lethargic. Need to plan on cleaning tomorrow. Same kind of weather day forecast.