Fun times

 

It all speaks for itself

Yesterday at the beach was a happy time. I’d Big smiles as opposed to the neutral or pained look as as usual aspect was heart lifting. The sea air truly is a tonic to breathe,and the view of port harbor, ocean, and islands  never ages. Dogs playing together and splashing in the water cheer and glade the heart  Red is not a water dog, but he romped joyfully with those who were, and he left the beach with a damp, sandy belly after a stretching  recline at waters edge,

Grandson walked up to food trucks and consumed quesadilla for supper. I got a small gelato and insisted everyone taste it red and I liked it best. 

A had dinner at home, Leftovers prepared as I talked to sis L. He talked to the most.  High anxiety over niece M bolixed her day  pretty sure he cheered her up

First sergeant

 

My favorite apple tree, progressing.

Everybody hates me for giving orders, and I can’t stop doing it. I strongly feel like it’s my job, my duty, right now, and I have low energy and little time to fulfill it. I don’t want to be the boss. But somebody needs to step up and I don’t see any other volunteers . So I catch resentment for it, but I push anyway.  Can’t slack off, time as well as energy is limited. 

Hot and heavy

My darling this evening 

I would rather think about today’s events than write them out: interactions with Jake, $50 AC very noisy but cool, Costco trip, wonky leg developed. Giving too many orders again oh yeah, I forgot crappy time on computer with Passwords for A. I helped. All feels so tiresome Yet for the activity. Comparisons with my inactivity pop-up and I realize I need to be more active when I leaves. 

Working hard

 

The evidence

We are keeping very active in warm weather, although it was pleasant enough today. 76° with a breeze, but the sun is very intense  We picnicked in the park on Chick-fil-A. Then a short walk in the park for three of us and Grandson walkedHome for more exercise

He also dusted the house with me to get up some of the pollen  He’s being very helpful

Sleepy already

 

Way favorite gym. Turning point at the doctors building

Pollen season; mercury retrograde coming

 

Yesterday, back on the Sac trail again

It’s  been a warm couple of days and S‘s visit has been less than pleasant. Paranoia rampant.  Inflation rampant.  Three dinners at Becky‘s last night $122; Three breakfast at BreaLu this morning $62 both with 20% tips added  Neither comfortable company S left about noon and returned almost immediately with terrible stomach, upset, and explanation of why Big argument and rage over logic of blame placing

The three of us left struggled to put in the air conditioner and succeeded despite that painful interlude.

 We had a wonderful talk with I. We played A’s  alphabet city game .  We discussed our careers,  his college experience and  hopes the future. I disclosed the circumstances of his birth and hope his dad won’t mind if it comes up for them   Maybe I was out of line, but I get the sense that they don’t really talk much, as much he reveres and loves his dad.

Don’t feel like talking

 

My sunbeams with S’s arrival

So zip it 

Frightened?

 

After the parade is done. Saturday, 6-6-26

I think so. Frightened of this life, and resentful. A “feels besieged”. Is that the word he used?  Or was it more like betrayed? Grim. Grim old age. Then Grim Reaper  

I’m afraid of this on-thrust of new and heavy responsibilities.  I want to resist and not embrace them. Push them away. Shift them to someone safer more capable, but who?  No one seems capable or willing. So it’s hard to feel thankful or grateful or playful or tuned in moment to moment.i see the short comings so ilecture and give orders that no one wants to hear, trying to solve their problems, to convince them to try to see and solve them with my solutions if they don’t see the issues that I see. I’m trying to help, and it feels like work, an actual job with uncertain relationships  like teaching was  or D’s Cosco job or past office employments 

How’s that working for me?  I’m suffering. What is suffering, my personality or essence? It feels like it has nothing to do with either, like it’s about getting everyone to take care of their own business so I don’t have to. Friction:  Will it really yield growth?  Attempts at self calming: My best allegory is the movie the Martian.  Totally. Alone.  Keep showing the problem and you might get to come home  But he has the whole world rooting for him and trying to help solve such a difficult problem, stranded alone in an alien environment  

I still pray constantly inside help me. And do not the others and am I not my brother‘s keeper? but I feel so incapable 

“If it were done when ‘tis done, then it were well it is done quickly.  But in these cases…”

Just trying to keep each other afloat, and myself. 

Sue arrived. An hour later we’re in full manic chaos for dinner. Too much truthing. What abt ding in car.  A. Jumped in   And my exasperation. I lied. I don’t trust you.   Flash point. Non stop crudity and yammer over credit card  creeps 

Quiet day

East send beach in rain

Unevenilfyll day. Two webinars. Wet trip to Ptld. Icrcrsm. TV rove

Just never know

 

Together parade

Parade at the dog park

So Que sera sera

Quiet, cool cloudy high humidity day. I Upstairs most of the day. Came down to read to me again, a night of the seven kingdoms. Boy do I love that!  I wasn’t feeling healthy, but felt better when we went out to. the parade at 10 o’clock. illegal turn to park right where A had his accident. I think we all enjoyed the parade— Bands, Shriners cars, politicans ; kids, candy throwing, a waying blonde Miss Something in an evening gown; people retrieving Red every time I dropped his leash and making over him, of course. 

We three left I to make  his way to the Carnival in the park then walk home while we went grocery shopping and to the dog park. We got home almost at the same time. We all dropped back into bed for naps then. He said he At Don’s Lumch.