Heute : Glory of life?

 

Residents of the Stillwater Bridge

Met a wonderful Christian family in waiting room. Dad ❤️sil VIP loyal mgr

Sweet in the hospital but she didn’t like my driving so 4-5 FUs before we pulled into the driveway. I’m sitting on the backyard. Not sure how we will get thru the day let alone the next six days or what’s left of our lives   She declared the whole laundry list of her resentment   You wrecked my horse you wrecked my education, you wrecked my grandfather, you’re trying to wreck my car. All for (hubris? Ego? Influence?  What was the word she used?  It shows her state of mind is deep blame and hatred for me.) “At least you got it out. should I go take a bus now?”  “No” 

Now a repeat performance second verse same as the first  I can’t even take credit for all my sins and apologize  

“What do you get out of this?”  

I think I would rather have the trials of the lady with a special-needs man child then this, but maybe not

An hour later  “I don’t mean to be  so  mean to you …”  “I get it  it’s good for you to get it out”  “Thanks for understanding”

  Then starting up with my offensiveness at food prep time. I jumped ship.   Spent an hour or two on the porch in the dark after bolting some leftovers.  Went in to see if we had anything to say amicably  but launched the main event  

A lifetime of resentment

“Therefore, cancer not only affects a singular life, but it also has the power to fracture and stress the very fabric of family, friends and colleagues.” Sat Hon, Healing Cancer…

And it has certainly done that already. I stress her to the point of unbearable rage, asking, “why do you seem to value your car and your cat more than your mother?  It seems to me like you are blaming me for all the evils of your life. What good is this doing? How can I possibly help you?  We should get a nurse to help you if I can’t.” “No. I’m supposed to be resting, but all you do is harass me.  My cat doesn’t do that.”  “Doesn’t drive you to the doctor either.”  “You’re just jealous, and you try to break my stuff, my car. You have a lousy bedside manner. You’re not going to make me a scapegoat. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to suck your pussy, Lady. (X3) You’ve got to get your unbearable narcissism under control.  Go to bed.  I’m not your mommy.”  “I’m in the bed.”  And my stomach hurts badly. We both call A sequentially, break his heart, I’m sure, but only get “ We’ll get through this together.”  I’m blessed if I see how. 

Who can solve this mess? Jesus, help!  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry it’s so pathetic. 

Travel

Enjoying the sunshine

For I am just here in simplicity 
and in love and in truth, 
to be. 

It is the proximity to presence that makes a difference in life, 

I remind myself that today 
I will make an effort to be still 
and sense and listen 

for this song of being.

Lee van Laer daily five Substack today, The song of being

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being. 

New normal starting.

 

He knows 

Going to Orono tomorrow 

Fall

Already!

Yesterday in the rain at 

our neighborhood schoolcorner

Well, I see leaves in the air this morning. The temperature is about 63° and isn’t going to get into the 70s today I don’t think  Sure feels like fall New England to me. Don’t know how often they’ll come around anymore. That is you never know which one will be your last.  I don’t think we’ll have Thanksgiving in the usual way anymore, and I hate to see that custom broken. 

The roof sent me a very comforting email and will loan me his book on healing cancer through Qigong. I did download it on Kindle so I’m getting a head start  I wonder if S would like it; probably not, she rejects most of my suggestions, tagging them interference rather than the love and concern I intend. Sad when people who love each other don’t connect, especially with increasing awareness of time on earth growing shorter 

I miss my mother. 

How beautiful

 

Yesterday

Sunshine yesterday, rain today, all day. But we made it and it’s not unpleasant( tempsaren’t supposed to get into the 70s, and sunset is scheduled for 6:55 PM!!!  I don’t expect to do much walking today. I don’t have the allergy/cold symptoms as bad. Little dog only went to the end of the driveway and is now sleeping the rest of the morning With a growling stomach Which I hope is a symptom of weather not bad digestive system. Que sera, sers

Birthday

Sing the song, Blow out the candle

I baked two small Birthday cakes today, one almond flour, the other rice flour apple, date sugar for both. She liked them. 

I feel ill today—sore legs and worse—scarier—drips amd sneezes. She has bad constipation too—iron pills. 

I gave her castor oil to take home. 

I feel so helpless

Lost and Found

Old neighborhood   Redux.

Yesterday’s post that is. I remember it vaguely. A lamentation at 4 am edit ed 12 hours later. That was the photo I used. Think I mentioned talking to S. Who turns out had v cancer surgery a couple of weeks ago

But I found it on September 9 so I just legitimately skipped the 10th, looks like. There’s the chaos I mentioned yesterday Memory just can’t hold onto things where it used to particularly with the modicum of grief driven depression that has been dropped into it lately. The trick is to bear it and not get irritable. 

Last appointment With LCSW E This morning we were done in half an hour after we talked about my daughter‘s  cancer and my little comforter’s digestive issues.  Red, of course. And I was sitting on a volcanic digestive issue of my own. (Use your imagination; I get tired of initiating old lady organ recitals, as dear F named them.). 

He left me with two good takeaways, One a good Buddhist saying she said: “ Anything that’s happening to anyone in the world could be happening to you.”  I said that Is a variation of what my brother said when I whinged about the latest batch of our family’s ills, “ It’s our turn.”

She alsotold me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week at a time,  and her mother finally decided to find out where.  She found Miss Kitty moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They decided to just share the kitty who would do what cats do.   🐈‍⬛  I asked, was it a bigamist or a catamist?

old me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week of the time and her mother decided to find out where finally and found her moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “ That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They finally just shared the kitty 🐈‍⬛  I ask, was she a bigamist or a catamist?

Five years there

Neighborhood houses

Love, when you see it

FaceTime

I told  A a couple of days ago, I fear the future   Huge life changes I try to anticipate   They are imaginary at this point. Crossing bridges before I get to them. To do?  luxuriate in events of now—lying in this bed. Recalling yesterday!s drawings and walks and meet ups with neighbors—T and Z.  Long FaceTime w S as she prepared her food.  No criticism of each other. Creating a new normal?  Hearing about it, I talking about it electronically?  A new puzzle

Thoughts and wishes for a young stranger in Japan? Known only by his YouTube vlog.,  Grandsons music round in my head. Eg. Awake Me. Baruch”s face informing my drawing of Jesus, made yesterday evening in my garage while my darling Red wandered off to K’s to play with Luca. Gone a half hour without my noticing. Smiling happily as he padded home, accompanied by K.  Like yesterday, but the beautiful K was his escort home

Report today

Pancake? no, Toxic fungus

 We hear some news about S’s condition, I presume. Meantime, I’m wasting time three hours of AM TV, bad ones. Have a great walk with red From the dog park to the , now Sittingin the chair with him this afternoon Listening to his little snores. 

Labor

 

For now. 

Is this how a Holiday should feel?  So lazy?  Disconnected and don’t care?  Stuff on my mind comes from screens,

Watching:  bad movie from yesterday— how do those actors live with themselves?—Fox news commentary on working, earning Americans and envious “takers.” YouTube feeds and me trying to boost $ & # for my “two boys,” CursedSk1y and Daichi (how long will this last?).