I read again, hedge knight, book 3. Doctor appointment, nothing new. Goodwill bins visit first time, don’t like them; Gorham trail walk. L visit; I participated so finely all day. Activities felt joyful, hopeful.
Watched tv, first episode of house of dragon, with much enjoyment.
Just took a tick off Red; showed I the process
Didn’t seem to start out that way. Grocery shopping and the old folks crashed and burn for several hours in the early afternoon I was bored out of his wits, I think, so I him out for a downtown walk with three assignments: Take pics; Make eye contact and talk to somebody; ponder while walking, What do I want to do with my life?
Got back just as Red and I were heading to schoolyard, so I asked him to drive us. We walked the short fave Sac trail and encountered a fine young man with a skateboard he greeted me pleasantly. Back in the parking lot, he came over to speak and I got out of the car and amiably joined the conversation. I love the smile for two young men And the Lively, discussion of schools and film and theater. Very much hope to encounter B again.
We walked back bay yesterday and this is ian’s picture of the new construction on the old B&M baked beans site. I wonder where they make that product now
Good Wednesday night webinar and some good feedback by email regarding my response to Stephen. The anxiety is going away today.
S got back safely from her dental appointment. Her poor mouth is full of silver stitches, which have to come out on -1. Poor girl or maybe not so much since we have dental work that saves teeth
Neighborhood Flowers yesterday
S is on her way to Boston for a serious dental fix. Sunny and cool today with 9 days of rain predicted. Better mood me but still conflictied about Stefon. Wish he would’ve led just go away.
What I would say if I could to him and the group: Maybe name my chief feature, which I am not proud of: you cannot win an argument with me unless I let you. Stubborn, tenacious I guess. If I acknowledge that, will it go away? Probably not, but I may become more centered even if I do keep Automatically swatting mosquitoes
I’m tired of hearing you talk, I told Stefan in webinar today. And dressed him down in no uncertain terms. What do we make of that in the work or the group? I said I deal with that constantly I also know I’m not an iota sorry ironically Gwynne posted on saying no, setting boundaries on her substack and I read it immediately after the brouhaha also read it , who seemed to appreciate it bottom line, I am very tired of managing and nagging mao e cardio sat an appt with psyche nurse and I caught it exact it will do me good
I and JG went to OOB today; brought home another claw machine plush; nobody got his feet wet or sandy. S arrived with calm mood prevailing all evening we went to Clambake for fried fry fry; no crowd, outdoor picnic with Red tagging along It amazes me how little joy and festivitity I see in such an event, treated like vin ordinaire when I the payor see as rare champagne.
Natalie worked hard and effectively. Her gardening results look good
More Clambake pics:
Yesterday at the beach was a happy time. I’d Big smiles as opposed to the neutral or pained look as as usual aspect was heart lifting. The sea air truly is a tonic to breathe,and the view of port harbor, ocean, and islands never ages. Dogs playing together and splashing in the water cheer and glade the heart Red is not a water dog, but he romped joyfully with those who were, and he left the beach with a damp, sandy belly after a stretching recline at waters edge,
Grandson walked up to food trucks and consumed quesadilla for supper. I got a small gelato and insisted everyone taste it red and I liked it best.
A had dinner at home, Leftovers prepared as I talked to sis L. He talked to the most. High anxiety over niece M bolixed her day pretty sure he cheered her up
Everybody hates me for giving orders, and I can’t stop doing it. I strongly feel like it’s my job, my duty, right now, and I have low energy and little time to fulfill it. I don’t want to be the boss. But somebody needs to step up and I don’t see any other volunteers . So I catch resentment for it, but I push anyway. Can’t slack off, time as well as energy is limited.
I would rather think about today’s events than write them out: interactions with Jake, $50 AC very noisy but cool, Costco trip, wonky leg developed. Giving too many orders again oh yeah, I forgot crappy time on computer with Passwords for A. I helped. All feels so tiresome Yet for the activity. Comparisons with my inactivity pop-up and I realize I need to be more active when I leaves.
We are keeping very active in warm weather, although it was pleasant enough today. 76° with a breeze, but the sun is very intense We picnicked in the park on Chick-fil-A. Then a short walk in the park for three of us and Grandson walkedHome for more exercise
He also dusted the house with me to get up some of the pollen He’s being very helpful
It’s been a warm couple of days and S‘s visit has been less than pleasant. Paranoia rampant. Inflation rampant. Three dinners at Becky‘s last night $122; Three breakfast at BreaLu this morning $62 both with 20% tips added Neither comfortable company S left about noon and returned almost immediately with terrible stomach, upset, and explanation of why Big argument and rage over logic of blame placing
The three of us left struggled to put in the air conditioner and succeeded despite that painful interlude.
We had a wonderful talk with I. We played A’s alphabet city game . We discussed our careers, his college experience and hopes the future. I disclosed the circumstances of his birth and hope his dad won’t mind if it comes up for them Maybe I was out of line, but I get the sense that they don’t really talk much, as much he reveres and loves his dad.
I’m afraid of this on-thrust of new and heavy responsibilities. I want to resist and not embrace them. Push them away. Shift them to someone safer more capable, but who? No one seems capable or willing. So it’s hard to feel thankful or grateful or playful or tuned in moment to moment.i see the short comings so ilecture and give orders that no one wants to hear, trying to solve their problems, to convince them to try to see and solve them with my solutions if they don’t see the issues that I see. I’m trying to help, and it feels like work, an actual job with uncertain relationships like teaching was or D’s Cosco job or past office employments
How’s that working for me? I’m suffering. What is suffering, my personality or essence? It feels like it has nothing to do with either, like it’s about getting everyone to take care of their own business so I don’t have to. Friction: Will it really yield growth? Attempts at self calming: My best allegory is the movie the Martian. Totally. Alone. Keep showing the problem and you might get to come home But he has the whole world rooting for him and trying to help solve such a difficult problem, stranded alone in an alien environment
I still pray constantly inside help me. And do not the others and am I not my brother‘s keeper? but I feel so incapable
“If it were done when ‘tis done, then it were well it is done quickly. But in these cases…”
Just trying to keep each other afloat, and myself.
Sue arrived. An hour later we’re in full manic chaos for dinner. Too much truthing. What abt ding in car. A. Jumped in And my exasperation. I lied. I don’t trust you. Flash point. Non stop crudity and yammer over credit card creeps
So Que sera sera
Quiet, cool cloudy high humidity day. I Upstairs most of the day. Came down to read to me again, a night of the seven kingdoms. Boy do I love that! I wasn’t feeling healthy, but felt better when we went out to. the parade at 10 o’clock. illegal turn to park right where A had his accident. I think we all enjoyed the parade— Bands, Shriners cars, politicans ; kids, candy throwing, a waying blonde Miss Something in an evening gown; people retrieving Red every time I dropped his leash and making over him, of course.
We three left I to make his way to the Carnival in the park then walk home while we went grocery shopping and to the dog park. We got home almost at the same time. We all dropped back into bed for naps then. He said he At Don’s Lumch.
Hot day. I couldn’t walk.
Did I write that just this morning? It feels like a week ago! And today was an unlucky day. Could not change my mammo appt unless to April ‘27. AM errands well in hand until I decided to call I about McD pickup then went in rather than drive through. 20 hot min at noon, A waitingin car! I complained: walk ins lowest priority. Got to city hall next and turned away from early voting: closed yesterday except “special needs” people. Must go on Election Day.
Then A grabbed mail as soon as we got home. Terrible: his drivers license is suspended.
Then Good at home: mowers came. I helped majorly with floor cleaning, waxing. We rested, fixed dinner, planned to go to WBK Together fair, at which pot I discovered I could not find my bank envelope. Searched everywhere then dropped I ar carnival and drove to McDonald’s to ask. Saw a burly man in a pink plaid kilt. Not there. Back to park with Red. Stumbled through the immigrant horde, listened to a couple of rock tunes, only wasted $19. Saw and greeted that wonderfully quirky blonde kid again, he recognized me too Returned home at dusk after about an hour. I played beautiful piano music for me then went upstairs after C arrived at which point I delivered my litany of old age generated woes. Said St Anthony prayer; we accepted our losses
In bed A brought me the white envelope it was mixed up with with his papers and withdrawals. 11:15 pm. I hate to say it, but seems he’s the flashpoint of many of my losses lately
Feeling the Afib tonight
Lord help us both. IJN and thank you SA
This daily life is no longer a habit since I is visiting me. Us. I am certainly acting more like a first sergeant giving orders all day again, and I don’t like myself this way and neither do they but I can’t seem to stop it I see anxiety, and want to smooth it out and make it go away. How much can I really do? But I have to make the effort. My body is not functioning. Well, I’m having difficulty walking different parts of the day. I have sneezing and postnasal drip. In my a fib is just very uncomfortable. I’m spending money like I have it. I’m trying to get house repairs done and talking to people hiring them which is not comfortable for me either. I’m Inattentive on my webinars and I can’t say I’m working on Myself. I’m arguing with ALLAN a lot and giving him orders which I don’t like to do This is all personality and not a pleasant one
To post I mean. Busy busy day payments to S and C b Walmart shopping. Sofa deliveryNW gardening with Ian. D re retaining wall
Many activities daily, I’m the initiator in all of them. It wears me out. Weak right thigh, evening Afib, phone money argument with S are big complaints of the day. Let me tell you what to do and think. Are you even listening? Not much time left together, I think. Suffering is reality I think Robin said today in webinar. After Kundabuffer, perceiving all things upside down, which must be our twisting for happiness, self calming, self satisfaction.
