Excellent weather

 

I snapping yesterday

Red lounging around the corner today

A few more pics. I’m tired. Stormy weather yesterday sunny and windy today both beautiful days

     I feel like I am turning myself inside out and doing the same to I and the rest of the family. Planning and supervising daily events. Spending money 💰 more than freely, maybe foolishly but not caring. I’m tired and and too much. I and Red seem so too. What am I trying to accomplish this month, with these people, my family?  I can’t name it. It doesn’t feel peaceful or internal or godly or maybe even goodly. Am I expecting something in return?  External considering or mistaking internal considering for that?

No more beans

 

Grandson’s photo yesterday across the bay

We walked back bay yesterday and this is ian’s picture of the new construction on the old B&M baked beans site. I wonder where they make that product now

Good Wednesday night webinar and some good feedback by email regarding my response to Stephen. The anxiety is going away today.

S got back safely from her dental appointment. Her poor mouth is full of silver stitches, which have to come out on -1.  Poor girl or maybe not so much since we have dental work that saves teeth

Chief Feature

                   

Neighborhood Flowers yesterday

   S is on her way to Boston for a serious dental fix. Sunny and cool today with 9 days of rain predicted. Better mood me but still conflictied about Stefon. Wish he would’ve led just go away. 

  What I would say if I could to him and the group: Maybe name my chief feature, which I am not proud of:  you cannot win an argument with me unless I let you.  Stubborn, tenacious I guess.  If I acknowledge that, will it go away? Probably not, but I may become more centered even if I do keep Automatically swatting mosquitoes

Fight

 

Tough cookie. Nasty piece of work. 

I’m tired of hearing you talk, I told Stefan in webinar today. And dressed him down in no uncertain terms. What do we make  of that in the work or the group?  I said I deal with that constantly  I also know I’m not an iota sorry  ironically Gwynne posted on saying no, setting boundaries on her substack and I read it immediately after the brouhaha  also read it , who seemed to appreciate it bottom line, I am very tired of managing and nagging  mao e cardio sat an appt with psyche nurse and I caught it exact it will do me good  

 I and JG went to OOB today; brought home another claw machine plush; nobody got his feet wet or sandy.  S  arrived  with calm mood prevailing all evening  we went to Clambake for fried fry fry; no crowd, outdoor picnic with Red tagging along  It amazes me how little joy and festivitity I see in such an event, treated like vin ordinaire when I the payor see as rare champagne.   

Natalie worked hard and effectively. Her gardening results look good

More Clambake pics:  

Fun times

 

It all speaks for itself

Yesterday at the beach was a happy time. I’d Big smiles as opposed to the neutral or pained look as as usual aspect was heart lifting. The sea air truly is a tonic to breathe,and the view of port harbor, ocean, and islands  never ages. Dogs playing together and splashing in the water cheer and glade the heart  Red is not a water dog, but he romped joyfully with those who were, and he left the beach with a damp, sandy belly after a stretching  recline at waters edge,

Grandson walked up to food trucks and consumed quesadilla for supper. I got a small gelato and insisted everyone taste it red and I liked it best. 

A had dinner at home, Leftovers prepared as I talked to sis L. He talked to the most.  High anxiety over niece M bolixed her day  pretty sure he cheered her up

First sergeant

 

My favorite apple tree, progressing.

Everybody hates me for giving orders, and I can’t stop doing it. I strongly feel like it’s my job, my duty, right now, and I have low energy and little time to fulfill it. I don’t want to be the boss. But somebody needs to step up and I don’t see any other volunteers . So I catch resentment for it, but I push anyway.  Can’t slack off, time as well as energy is limited. 

Hot and heavy

My darling this evening 

I would rather think about today’s events than write them out: interactions with Jake, $50 AC very noisy but cool, Costco trip, wonky leg developed. Giving too many orders again oh yeah, I forgot crappy time on computer with Passwords for A. I helped. All feels so tiresome Yet for the activity. Comparisons with my inactivity pop-up and I realize I need to be more active when I leaves. 

Working hard

 

The evidence

We are keeping very active in warm weather, although it was pleasant enough today. 76° with a breeze, but the sun is very intense  We picnicked in the park on Chick-fil-A. Then a short walk in the park for three of us and Grandson walkedHome for more exercise

He also dusted the house with me to get up some of the pollen  He’s being very helpful

Sleepy already

 

Way favorite gym. Turning point at the doctors building

Pollen season; mercury retrograde coming

 

Yesterday, back on the Sac trail again

It’s  been a warm couple of days and S‘s visit has been less than pleasant. Paranoia rampant.  Inflation rampant.  Three dinners at Becky‘s last night $122; Three breakfast at BreaLu this morning $62 both with 20% tips added  Neither comfortable company S left about noon and returned almost immediately with terrible stomach, upset, and explanation of why Big argument and rage over logic of blame placing

The three of us left struggled to put in the air conditioner and succeeded despite that painful interlude.

 We had a wonderful talk with I. We played A’s  alphabet city game .  We discussed our careers,  his college experience and  hopes the future. I disclosed the circumstances of his birth and hope his dad won’t mind if it comes up for them   Maybe I was out of line, but I get the sense that they don’t really talk much, as much he reveres and loves his dad.

Don’t feel like talking

 

My sunbeams with S’s arrival

So zip it 

Frightened?

 

After the parade is done. Saturday, 6-6-26

I think so. Frightened of this life, and resentful. A “feels besieged”. Is that the word he used?  Or was it more like betrayed? Grim. Grim old age. Then Grim Reaper  

I’m afraid of this on-thrust of new and heavy responsibilities.  I want to resist and not embrace them. Push them away. Shift them to someone safer more capable, but who?  No one seems capable or willing. So it’s hard to feel thankful or grateful or playful or tuned in moment to moment.i see the short comings so ilecture and give orders that no one wants to hear, trying to solve their problems, to convince them to try to see and solve them with my solutions if they don’t see the issues that I see. I’m trying to help, and it feels like work, an actual job with uncertain relationships  like teaching was  or D’s Cosco job or past office employments 

How’s that working for me?  I’m suffering. What is suffering, my personality or essence? It feels like it has nothing to do with either, like it’s about getting everyone to take care of their own business so I don’t have to. Friction:  Will it really yield growth?  Attempts at self calming: My best allegory is the movie the Martian.  Totally. Alone.  Keep showing the problem and you might get to come home  But he has the whole world rooting for him and trying to help solve such a difficult problem, stranded alone in an alien environment  

I still pray constantly inside help me. And do not the others and am I not my brother‘s keeper? but I feel so incapable 

“If it were done when ‘tis done, then it were well it is done quickly.  But in these cases…”

Just trying to keep each other afloat, and myself. 

Sue arrived. An hour later we’re in full manic chaos for dinner. Too much truthing. What abt ding in car.  A. Jumped in   And my exasperation. I lied. I don’t trust you.   Flash point. Non stop crudity and yammer over credit card  creeps 

Quiet day

East send beach in rain

Unevenilfyll day. Two webinars. Wet trip to Ptld. Icrcrsm. TV rove

Just never know

 

Together parade

Parade at the dog park

So Que sera sera

Quiet, cool cloudy high humidity day. I Upstairs most of the day. Came down to read to me again, a night of the seven kingdoms. Boy do I love that!  I wasn’t feeling healthy, but felt better when we went out to. the parade at 10 o’clock. illegal turn to park right where A had his accident. I think we all enjoyed the parade— Bands, Shriners cars, politicans ; kids, candy throwing, a waying blonde Miss Something in an evening gown; people retrieving Red every time I dropped his leash and making over him, of course. 

We three left I to make  his way to the Carnival in the park then walk home while we went grocery shopping and to the dog park. We got home almost at the same time. We all dropped back into bed for naps then. He said he At Don’s Lumch. 

Something

 

Decay

Some good things come from the struggle.  Great talk with I  yesterday about his life, his mother, his father. Will there be any permanent good effect?  Too much to ask. JP drove I around an hour and a half.

    Hot day. I couldn’t walk. 

    Did I write that just this morning?  It feels like a week ago!  And today was an unlucky day.  Could not change my mammo appt unless to April ‘27. AM errands well in hand until I decided to call I about McD pickup then went in rather than drive through. 20 hot min at noon, A waitingin car!  I complained:  walk ins lowest priority. Got to city hall next and turned away from early voting: closed yesterday except “special  needs” people. Must go on Election Day. 

Then A grabbed mail as soon as we got home. Terrible:  his drivers license is suspended.  

  Then Good at home:  mowers came. I helped majorly with floor cleaning, waxing.  We rested, fixed dinner, planned to go to WBK Together fair, at which pot I discovered I could not find my bank envelope. Searched everywhere then dropped I ar carnival and drove to McDonald’s to ask. Saw a burly man in a pink plaid kilt. Not there. Back to park with Red. Stumbled through the immigrant horde, listened to a couple of rock tunes, only wasted $19.  Saw and greeted that wonderfully quirky blonde kid again, he recognized me too Returned home at dusk after about an hour. I played beautiful piano music for me then went upstairs after C arrived at which point I delivered my litany of old age generated woes.  Said St Anthony prayer; we accepted our losses  

   In bed A brought me the white envelope it was mixed up with with his papers and withdrawals. 11:15 pm. I hate to say it, but seems he’s the flashpoint of many of my losses lately  

   Feeling the Afib tonight

Lord help us both. IJN and thank you SA

Symptoms

 

Did I mention I hate the way I look

    This daily life is no longer a habit since I is visiting me.  Us. I am certainly acting more like a first sergeant giving orders all day again, and I don’t like myself this way and neither do they but I can’t seem to stop it  I see anxiety, and want to smooth it out and make it go away. How much can I really do? But I have to make the effort. My body is not functioning. Well, I’m having difficulty walking different parts of the day. I have sneezing and postnasal drip. In my a fib is just very uncomfortable.  I’m spending money like I have it. I’m trying to get house repairs done and talking to people hiring them which is not comfortable for me either.  I’m Inattentive on my webinars and I can’t say I’m working on Myself. I’m arguing with ALLAN a lot and giving him orders which I don’t like to do  This is all personality and not a pleasant one

Don’t forget today

  

I like it

 To post I mean. Busy busy day payments  to S and C b Walmart shopping. Sofa deliveryNW gardening with Ian. D re retaining wall

Time keeps slipping by

   

Tuesday in the park with A

   Many activities daily, I’m the initiator in all of them. It wears me out. Weak right thigh, evening Afib, phone money argument with S are big complaints of the day. Let me tell you what to do and think. Are you even listening? Not much time left together, I think. Suffering is reality I think Robin said today in webinar. After Kundabuffer, perceiving all things upside down, which must be our twisting for happiness, self calming, self satisfaction.

Forgot!

 

Chef du just

Went to movie today after we cleaned out gatage a while. Driving issues

Nice morning

 

On the trail, by the factory, just across 

The street from the store, turns out

 All the boys walked the “hood twice briefly.9   I read to me,  Hedge Knight. I drove us  to Park, Red and I walked nearly a mile, encountering Kevin with the guitar and 2/3 dogs. I walked to Julie York’s store, Weekend Anime then returned with us to the parking lot. Can’t wake up since our return, any of us. Rain started when we got home. Too lethargic. Need to plan on cleaning tomorrow. Same kind of weather day forecast. 

Rainy sleepy day

 

Little dog can’t wake up this morning 

Should clear up sometime by the afternoon, but very cold and raining now; welcome to Maine, grandson. Doubtless a change from Georgia  I asked  A, when would you say the leaves burst out?  a week ago or two weeks? I forget. About the only sign of summer right  now, except for those two hot days last week, and I like that less than this weather; I have the stove on this morning very pleasant. I is still very tired—disregulated sleep, he says. But we went out, Red, me, and I, letting him drive to Staples by airport and to mall. Ate lunch there and went to arcade, only entrance outdoors. Inconvenient and overstimulating—noise to deafen. I spent 30 or 40$ on claw machines which was 40 percent of their “Entertainments” and wound up with 3 50 Cent toys for his girlfriend. I told him about the last time I warned him about wasting money on those machines  Certainly didn’t stick  We were in a movie theater here after going to two or three arcades and not finding one open when he was probably 10 or 12 years old.  Oh well. Guess I compensated with a one dollar ice cream cone that must’ve had a pint of ice cream on it  Certainly couldn’t eat it all  But I was glad to be out with him doing something that he normally enjoys

He read the hedge Knight beginning to meet at home that night talk to his girlfriend and Suzy on the phone and walked the dog with me. I think I’m giving him too many orders. 

He cooked a delicious dinner with my supervision:  steak, squash, greenbeans, a bit of watermelon and strawberries plus rolls and baked potato and choc cake for granddad.

Allan got highly stressed and unhappy with S’s disrespectful even abusive phone call, this braced with accusations that we are “filtering” her calls and contact with  I  i’d like to say I totally don’t but I think I do somewhat and I give unwarranted advice which she hates. I forget what she called them.grandma’s interjections

I don’t feel like cleaning house in this cold wet weather so I keep putting it off. We’ll get around to it.

Worth every penny?!!!

The smile is

Good morning

Needs work. Wednesday 

 Big doins today

I arrived safely and on time. Then I or BK totally botched lunch order. But everyone got fed after I “apologized profusely”. Mostly sorry for folks behind me. Now A and I are napping in the sunroom and he’s upstairs with his computer  Poor kid  like visiting a nursing home I think  we just don’t have much energy  

Airport 1:15, normal flight

So damn handsome!

Very busy

 

Across from doctors offices today

Energy level good all day. Muscles and joints functioning finish tomorrow 

Because blogger dropped my whole entry du jour. as has happened before 

So to repeat myself, if I can remember

Up very early. Made call to Hub ok to exchange couch. Red walk in sunshine ended abruptlyin showers.  B from Terminix came by with 4 more sticky traps.  Had a little time to go to Hub so picked a blue traditional couch, also little red table and brought that home with 3 pillows. Finished Reds walk down town. Went to SP for a mammo But had to postpone it because I had forgotten I was wearing the Zio. Went to pet food store And spent $100 plus on kibble and a couple of treats!!! Whoaa!  Stopped at McDonald’s and had ice cream cone and frappe for lunch. Very tasty. then home   Talked to neighbor s A  and A. Esp about contractors and move. Cooked supper later. Didn’t watch the TV all day. C visited with Nola in the evening  Pretty good energy level with just a couple of naps

Today

 

More stuff 

New York, New York

Knicks Game 4 Eastern conference playoff

Last night, E wrote

E and Y are visiting New York for a couple of days and this is the picture from their hotel window. I’d rather be looking at the crowd than I think.

As for me, the cleaning must continue and the body does not want to cooperate beyond certain extent. That’s what I get for putting it off so many years

Detritus

 

Never know what you will see when you look

Poured rain all morning. Dull. Moved furniture. Tired. Sun came out while walking Red. Damp and heating ul

Not memorable

 

Did you see this one??  Just last night

Tell myself I’m making up for all the work at the last few days but that’s just an excuse for laying around and watching TV on what turned out to be a rainy day.  I’m “resting  up”. Red has been particularly cuddly, maybe because of  the changes in the furniture got our long walk in early before the rain started did the two webinars. G is getting so tiresome to me. D is brilliant as always, esp other participants today. I just stopped and watch TV for hour after hour till dinner time and did talk to Dwight. Thank goodness. Disconnected somehow

Expectations

 

New couch and chair

Still waiting for the Furniture delivery and a 10 to 2 window it’s 145 now and I’m very anxious also very tired from all the cleaning in the last two days and today also second-guessing myself have I wasted resources again while I regret this purchase and the amount of furniture I now have around me so many questions anxiety too    All this effort so I can kick my feet back and watch TV on a presumably comfy couch

Arrived about 2:37 Or 337 I forget which.  So it’s installed and it definitely takes some getting used to new furniture Hope I haven’t made a mistake

Cleaner

   

Cleaning leaves a sense of accomplishment

   Very tired today, but beautiful weather so I got started around 130 cleaning out garage. Done in now after about four or five hours of hard work  Ready as I’m going to be for Furniture delivery can work a little bit more for rodent amelioration. Boy, do my feet hurt!  

   Spoke to I and E. I will arrive next Friday and stay until his birthday about five weeks. Very nice.

Unbelievable

 

At Hannaford, waiting for dad. Look how green!

     So active today with no loss of energy!  Woke about five wig only 2 hours of cpap. Mask not on til 1 am then didn’t stay on apparently. Up and out with Red for long walk by 6:35. Put on Zio patch. Ordered groceries for 4 pm pickup. Cleaned garage about 3/4 hours after phone calls to cleaning services. Financial review with TM. B’s mowers came and did a good job. Went to Lowe’s for cleaning liquids and got solar lights and petunia planter   Picked up groceries and put them away. Must finish now. And cook supper after snacking and TV an hour plus. 

11,274 steps, 3.31 mi today !!!

Summer’s back

 

Sunset an hour ago. Leaves filling out blossoms on the trees

    Another warm day I did get some housework done, but not much. Red was very reluctant to walk. He preferred sitting and rolling in the grass. Can’t say anything cuter than that 

Heat is on

     

Hot dog

     89° at 12:30. Red ran five house links from shade spot to shade spot then turned around and he’s laying on the floor to keep his belly cool. Unbelievable  60 One week, 89 the next.  

     I didn’t talk about the mouse infestation yet or some sort of rodent chewed up all my coats in the garage and left a ton of sunflower seeds and urine   Still got a lot of cleaning up to do  I feel like such a bad householder. I guess I am.

       Call from E. Last night  Grandson may come here for a month in June. Hope he gets along. OK big worry is no second car. Guess we’ll make do a call on JP as much as he’ll allow.

What now?

Neighbors spring light at dusk

Plenty to talk about but I won’t.  Mid webinar 

Que sera

 

Sunny today. This was Friday, driving

Not ready to write yet 

Welcome spring

 

In the weeds yesterday

Great weather today… sunny and mild. Not getting much of anything accomplished a lot of lovely day  Did the 1 mile loop with Red. Police car stopped right beside us other side of the street and turned on his siren like to scare the heck out of us  I was bending over picking up poo. Red was off leash and that was afraid he would jump in front of the car. We were also right beside the scary balloons.   Too much adventure?

Did phone chat with sis L Today

Rainy and sleepy

 

SoPo bus stop from sport med waiting room 5/13

About as much as I can say so far. But the do I struck this morning was financial Before 7 AM. Check my accounts, shifted funds, paid out. Must call as about large debt payoff 

Took BP, high early. Walked Red short in light rain. NP puzzles always put me to sleep. I need to stop doing them. Feel solazy. Make some phone calls now go to Pharmacy

Productive day?

 

New ‘do

Worked, I’d say, if imperfectly. 

Walked Red, then off to groomer. Newspaper automaand too many sweets for breakfast, then off to Hub to buy furniture from a young salesman named Ian. 3k: couch, two chairs, two small tables, one pillow delivery in a week

Also called heart doctor and have new Zio patch plus follow up appointment with electrocardio PA in June. And the day’s only half done

Almost midnight now. Rain hard last ten hours.  C and Nola visited anyway with new very acceptable dog chews. Bit of an attack at the end. I suffered high BP and red face least hour took extra propranolol even if I shouldn’t have

Playtime

     

5-11-26 A&E in Portland, C, me, J

 I told my G’s, I, how much I enjoyed conventions. Last one also in Atlanta, national education one. Many good memories. 

Forgetful

 

Apple Blossom buds today

     Almost forgot to post today. I’m about out of time.  I did forget my doctors appointment today. It’s actually tomorrow I was 24 hours early how silly

   I just spoke to I. He had a great time at his furry con With his girlfriend. Bought her a plush And got some T-shirts and a print for his room which he forgot to bring Home, but she will bring it home and give it to him later.  

     Some pics he took: