Que sera, sera

 

Abed.  Now

More rain all day. Yesterday and today. Red doesn’t love it. But it has its pleasant quietude.

Lee says today, and I hope he’s right:

I see that despite my inadequacy, 

I am penetrated by love. 

It has come here to help. 

Not so bad so far

Milkweed pod at 5Guys Thursday 

Beware that mixture of boredom, fear and depression

A woman pulled out her car in front of me on Main Street yesterday day and just stared right into my eyes as if daring me to say a word. How word and ironic after Thursday crash

Gray day

Field full of little kids recreating 

Waters tranquil

Lots of rain and possibly a northeaster predicted. We went to the park and bought Subway for lunch not much of a walk, but very satisfying S reports she’s doing well today

We need this now? Really?

Samaeo M

Met an African with a crippled foot in an unexpected and sorry way.  T-boned at a four way stop.  I took the blame. I ran a stop sign. BUT. He was turning left and did not see me?  Why was I talking for him to the officer?  Because of his stearner demeanor?  He was trying to help me, I think, but I wasn’t getting the hints at the time. ME has some law about at fault if you can stop an accident but don’t, I think. I did not get a citation so far. But could I lose my license?We’ll see. Filed claims while we waited for police. Spoke to HM rep today .  Will go with JG to auto body shop Monday. Caliber on Forest Ave. 

   I really want to stop driving, but not going places.

New day

 

On my walk yesterday 

In the orchard today

S’s orchard pics today

It’s exactly a week to the hour that u arrived by obus last week in S’s town. We immediately did “retail therapy” at Home Goods, taking back a fringed blue suede hassock (!!! I can’t say no these days) and $15 worth of junk snacks that I brought back Friday and am still eating. Thank goodness I didn’t scarf them down all at once. My weight is consistently hovering at 160 lb. Guess that’s a good thing. Days are chilling but beautifully sunny. Darkness comes way too early. And she’s on my mind pretty constantly. Gif be with us 

  She had a good day today. Went to an orchard and brought home apples for sauce, canned pickled vegetables and fresh squash. God grant her pease and rest and healing IJN

Morning flies by

 

Red Devil, I think. Yesterday

Now it’s time for German webinar and I’m falling asleep. Im anxious to hear from S

Waiting

 

Gray, cold

 

Familiar.  Yesterday

The other half of autumn   I’ve had the stove on most of the day. Walked with Red in the ‘hood.  Awake for eight hours now. All I can seem to fe l and think about is my daughter’s plight and fight.  Feel like the tar baby. Will there ever be joy or ordinary happiness in my life again. 

Called sis C. No consolation. She has her own misery, cut off from prescription drugs and her new first floor apartment was flooded 3 inches. Hasn’t heard from L. Can’t catch a break, the whole family. 

Yom Kippur starts tonight. I recall wishing a young Jewish woman from Coral a happy one a year or two ago and she kindly explained it’s not that kind of holiday. It’s a day of atonement, 25 hours of fasting, no water even, I surmise from a cancer survivor I read on Chabad yesterday, Bentzi Sasson of NYC. His description of his chemo experience both frightens and inspires me, particularly his emphasis on reliance on God and family, both missing in this upcoming case. I may be the connection, but I am rejected, not to mention weak. Help, Lord! IJN

https://w2.chabad.org/media/images/913/KQdg9132782.jpg?_i=_n32DD4A5CE5B405756B86D11830CBE5B1

Tranquility Day

 

View from Saint Joseph entrance in Bangor

 yesterday shortly before I left town

What contrast— Day and night, Jekyll and Hyde. A kept the house very clean, and with the light my heart and soul are lifted from the paranoia and fear and loathing that was developing in just 48 hours. She’s right and says she can accept it:  we cannot live with each other more than that time. A sorrow and pity. She says don’t feel bad or guilty, but she can’t know how painful it is to have failed your beloved child. Her father less so, but even so

I feel deep sorrow and sadness in my heart and mind. Peace also, Thank you, Jesus. This must be the joy and love that Lee links to sorrow 

Sneaking one in—not

 

So handsome but even

 more so on the inside

I wrote nothing on this blog yesterday, but did not want the day to pass unnoticed. Too tired. Went to sleep about 8 PMI saved the space, but program did not keep it  Commentary on human machine relationships I suppose  It won’t let me change the date, you know.   

Today I will say I travel home catching the 330 bus and keeping JG out waiting for me in the bus station later than I intended. I fell asleep in Augusta and didn’t call him since I woke up only as we were pulling into the Portland station God bless him for being so patient and kind to me.  I left my phone in his car and he already had his jammies on when I went to pick it up thank goodness he only lives a couple of houses down  

Heute : Glory of life?

 

Residents of the Stillwater Bridge

Met a wonderful Christian family in waiting room. Dad ❤️sil VIP loyal mgr

Sweet in the hospital but she didn’t like my driving so 4-5 FUs before we pulled into the driveway. I’m sitting on the backyard. Not sure how we will get thru the day let alone the next six days or what’s left of our lives   She declared the whole laundry list of her resentment   You wrecked my horse you wrecked my education, you wrecked my grandfather, you’re trying to wreck my car. All for (hubris? Ego? Influence?  What was the word she used?  It shows her state of mind is deep blame and hatred for me.) “At least you got it out. should I go take a bus now?”  “No” 

Now a repeat performance second verse same as the first  I can’t even take credit for all my sins and apologize  

“What do you get out of this?”  

I think I would rather have the trials of the lady with a special-needs man child then this, but maybe not

An hour later  “I don’t mean to be  so  mean to you …”  “I get it  it’s good for you to get it out”  “Thanks for understanding”

  Then starting up with my offensiveness at food prep time. I jumped ship.   Spent an hour or two on the porch in the dark after bolting some leftovers.  Went in to see if we had anything to say amicably  but launched the main event  

A lifetime of resentment

“Therefore, cancer not only affects a singular life, but it also has the power to fracture and stress the very fabric of family, friends and colleagues.” Sat Hon, Healing Cancer…

And it has certainly done that already. I stress her to the point of unbearable rage, asking, “why do you seem to value your car and your cat more than your mother?  It seems to me like you are blaming me for all the evils of your life. What good is this doing? How can I possibly help you?  We should get a nurse to help you if I can’t.” “No. I’m supposed to be resting, but all you do is harass me.  My cat doesn’t do that.”  “Doesn’t drive you to the doctor either.”  “You’re just jealous, and you try to break my stuff, my car. You have a lousy bedside manner. You’re not going to make me a scapegoat. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to suck your pussy, Lady. (X3) You’ve got to get your unbearable narcissism under control.  Go to bed.  I’m not your mommy.”  “I’m in the bed.”  And my stomach hurts badly. We both call A sequentially, break his heart, I’m sure, but only get “ We’ll get through this together.”  I’m blessed if I see how. 

Who can solve this mess? Jesus, help!  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry it’s so pathetic. 

9-19. One more to add/document with vituperation:  She said and has done other times. That I used to beat her in her bet, her sleep, no matter I lie or deny. That is certainly grounds for PTSD. I don’t remember doing, but I can’t quite say I didn’t. I seem to have an image of us slapping each other and shouting in the pink light of her bedroom at night, and it fits the frustration I know I felt with her late night behaviors in high school. So my general apology is no appeasement for either of us. And we cannot seem to discuss our memories in times of calm, only accusation. Which I take in without reaction though it feels like hurricane winds. May not get to the end of this in this lifetime 

   Aother bewildering repetition to me  as her child who cannot will not take or follow directions. She’s big on that 

Travel

Enjoying the sunshine

For I am just here in simplicity 
and in love and in truth, 
to be. 

It is the proximity to presence that makes a difference in life, 

I remind myself that today 
I will make an effort to be still 
and sense and listen 

for this song of being.

Lee van Laer daily five Substack today, The song of being

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being. 

New normal starting.

 

He knows 

Going to Orono tomorrow 

Fall

Already!

Yesterday in the rain at 

our neighborhood schoolcorner

Well, I see leaves in the air this morning. The temperature is about 63° and isn’t going to get into the 70s today I don’t think  Sure feels like fall New England to me. Don’t know how often they’ll come around anymore. That is you never know which one will be your last.  I don’t think we’ll have Thanksgiving in the usual way anymore, and I hate to see that custom broken. 

The roof sent me a very comforting email and will loan me his book on healing cancer through Qigong. I did download it on Kindle so I’m getting a head start  I wonder if S would like it; probably not, she rejects most of my suggestions, tagging them interference rather than the love and concern I intend. Sad when people who love each other don’t connect, especially with increasing awareness of time on earth growing shorter 

I miss my mother. 

How beautiful

 

Yesterday

Sunshine yesterday, rain today, all day. But we made it and it’s not unpleasant( tempsaren’t supposed to get into the 70s, and sunset is scheduled for 6:55 PM!!!  I don’t expect to do much walking today. I don’t have the allergy/cold symptoms as bad. Little dog only went to the end of the driveway and is now sleeping the rest of the morning With a growling stomach Which I hope is a symptom of weather not bad digestive system. Que sera, sers

Birthday

Sing the song, Blow out the candle

I baked two small Birthday cakes today, one almond flour, the other rice flour apple, date sugar for both. She liked them. 

I feel ill today—sore legs and worse—scarier—drips amd sneezes. She has bad constipation too—iron pills. 

I gave her castor oil to take home. 

I feel so helpless

Lost and Found

Old neighborhood   Redux.

Yesterday’s post that is. I remember it vaguely. A lamentation at 4 am edit ed 12 hours later. That was the photo I used. Think I mentioned talking to S. Who turns out had v cancer surgery a couple of weeks ago

But I found it on September 9 so I just legitimately skipped the 10th, looks like. There’s the chaos I mentioned yesterday Memory just can’t hold onto things where it used to particularly with the modicum of grief driven depression that has been dropped into it lately. The trick is to bear it and not get irritable. 

Last appointment With LCSW E This morning we were done in half an hour after we talked about my daughter‘s  cancer and my little comforter’s digestive issues.  Red, of course. And I was sitting on a volcanic digestive issue of my own. (Use your imagination; I get tired of initiating old lady organ recitals, as dear F named them.). 

He left me with two good takeaways, One a good Buddhist saying she said: “ Anything that’s happening to anyone in the world could be happening to you.”  I said that Is a variation of what my brother said when I whinged about the latest batch of our family’s ills, “ It’s our turn.”

She alsotold me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week at a time,  and her mother finally decided to find out where.  She found Miss Kitty moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They decided to just share the kitty who would do what cats do.   🐈‍⬛  I asked, was it a bigamist or a catamist?

old me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week of the time and her mother decided to find out where finally and found her moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “ That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They finally just shared the kitty 🐈‍⬛  I ask, was she a bigamist or a catamist?

Five years there

Neighborhood houses

Love, when you see it

FaceTime

I told  A a couple of days ago, I fear the future   Huge life changes I try to anticipate   They are imaginary at this point. Crossing bridges before I get to them. To do?  luxuriate in events of now—lying in this bed. Recalling yesterday!s drawings and walks and meet ups with neighbors—T and Z.  Long FaceTime w S as she prepared her food.  No criticism of each other. Creating a new normal?  Hearing about it, I talking about it electronically?  A new puzzle

Thoughts and wishes for a young stranger in Japan? Known only by his YouTube vlog.,  Grandsons music round in my head. Eg. Awake Me. Baruch”s face informing my drawing of Jesus, made yesterday evening in my garage while my darling Red wandered off to K’s to play with Luca. Gone a half hour without my noticing. Smiling happily as he padded home, accompanied by K.  Like yesterday, but the beautiful K was his escort home

Report today

Pancake? no, Toxic fungus

 We hear some news about S’s condition, I presume. Meantime, I’m wasting time three hours of AM TV, bad ones. Have a great walk with red From the dog park to the , now Sittingin the chair with him this afternoon Listening to his little snores. 

Labor

 

For now. 

Is this how a Holiday should feel?  So lazy?  Disconnected and don’t care?  Stuff on my mind comes from screens,

Watching:  bad movie from yesterday— how do those actors live with themselves?—Fox news commentary on working, earning Americans and envious “takers.” YouTube feeds and me trying to boost $ & # for my “two boys,” CursedSk1y and Daichi (how long will this last?).  

Good dog

 

K’s picture, yesterday 

Such a good dog. Had difficulty walking Him today. My muscles were not into it, but we walked a mile anyway .  His digestive health is still isn’t what I would like it to be

Rain and sunshine

Yesterday

Busy day today started out raining now sunny for the occasional clouds, threatening more rain, but overall very pleasant, except somebody is burning wood and it smells terrible. 

Get the furniture reset on the newly painted deck with no problem from furniture

   Vacuumed house and prep for a visit from K. Gave away two paintings, one my pastel from New Orleans, the other a small watercolor by a different artist. Lovely visit

    Spell to S. Texts from DJ about OSU game  Feels like a terrific Labor Day weekend

Favored bugs

 

Lady Bug this morning.

Good luck

Grooming

Tuesday Bayside

Don’t love my haircut this month. Do I go back or just wait six weeks? We’ll see. I started cutting on it on my own actually.  Red to the groomer today, then an and I went grocery shopping. Delicious muffins  I’m definitely eating more and more sugar, especially

Lord, I am thankful I live in an era of cleanliness and Sanitation. I watched a short vid about cowboy stench And realize most of time was like that. One commentator said if everyone stinks then nobody stinks. But that just can’t be true   Thank you, Lord, for good grooming. 

Up in the air

Again Bayside yesterday

Red barfed shortly after his little breakfast with meds. So he probably lost the meds too. We postponed his shots to Saturday. Will go to bank to make a big deposit for S. 

Urgently grumpy today

 

Yesterday’s paint job;

That was satisfying

I think that means I feel panicky, but I’m not sure why

Tranquility

 

At the park an hour ago

Good news for me from the doctor this morning. I am now totally off metformin  hooray!!

Sorrow

Inviting. Yesterday’s walk

Quite depressed today. People don’t call me as often as I wish, so l call them. So spoke to S, E, I, DJ, E. That helps. Gray morning, now rainy, plinking drip sounds. Snoring pup; his digestive system seems better. Webinar ok. 

A good morning

 

 

Definitely autumnal

Yup and out to the dump for Hazardous Waste disposal. Not a lot of stuff, but glad to have it gone, including twenty year old kerosene. Then I worked a bit on organizing garage shelfs, specifically my rock collection. Feels better getting things done. And the weather is so perfect today. 

Not good

 

Changing skies todsy

Chemo before surgery due to lymph node involvement. I’m worried

Say what?

 

815 and I’ve been awake since 255 thank you red

Very sleepy here at 1:20 on my iWatch exercise goals met. Red is very sleepy too. We went to the park to try to wake up and had a $7 strawberry Matcha. Pretty and delicious and the girl in the truck is very beautiful  She perked me up and so do the people that hang around and talk to me there   Waiting for BR to repel my vermin now   Stay cheerful  

Doing the right thing

 

Marginal way, moments ago

  Of course I’m going to thedentist. Yippee. Trying not to be crabby, but I feel the fatigue and clumsiness from yesterday 

Two hours at the dentist. Teeth cleaned then he replaced three upper bonds.  Much smoother

Shopped at Hannaford so a third hour out. Bought several oddities, esp shopping Japsnese. So much sodium!  Also shopped for Reds bland diet:  baby food meat, rice, chicken breast. He happily ate those today, so not starving.  Energy returning nicely

 S got her new bed. And is pleased

  Webinar good tonight

 

DIL B fell down 8 basement steps:  22 hours in er with broken wrist Awful! . Surgery probably Friday, plates and pins. I can’t believe all the blows our family is suffering!

And next?

Poor baby. No chicky/chick for you today

  It just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it?  Poor little Red has been sick for over 24 hours: digestive system. Up at 2 AM up at 4 AM for outdoor and cleanups. Poor guy. All he’s eating is grass  Must see a vet today for sure but it’ll probably be the ER one.  One more surprise for me around 7:30: Bent over to put lotion on my calf and fell backwards into the bathtub, landed on my butt, caught with my hands, but it took me a while to figure out how to get out of the tub from that position, after I caught my breath. Thank you, Jesus for safe deliverance  

New day

 

Odd. Mixed signals?  Yesterday’s walk

We will see what what combination of despair and hope it brings, for each and all. God help us. 

Roll out. A bit late

Horseshoe chestnuts on  NG Rd this morning

What a mess

  But I got the floors cleaned today, mostly. Inspired by young Daichi’s example on YouTube. Spoke briefly to I he spent last night with his girlfriend instead of his new dorm room apparently.  Ain’t love grand. One mile walk with Red, only one today. Apparently, we’re gonna have a new market where the old one was this was called Westside Mkt.  maybe not a Japanese convenience store, but a convenience store nonetheless.

Gray morning, sleepy

Sunset, yesterday evening, 

Masonic carpark

 Sleepy all day it turned out. A went to BJ’s with PG. We talked to I who is back at school in a suite with three roommates which may be very good for him. 14th floor!!! however.  He checked in about 9 AM. Then we spoke to E who gave us those details. Drove at start of misty rain to DQ—McD line too long at 3 pm—then to the park just as it stopped. Drive, walk, and eat—how yesterday for me, not to mention unsafe. African boy on a motorized bicycle buzzed by, very scary. The speed he went. A saw him too, coming and going.  I asked three then a fourth Hispanic youths about an Abandoned bicycle by the railroad track bridge. I don’t think they understood me I called public safety to come and collect it. The fourth kid was sitting on the steps of the bridge smoking the foul Doobie. He looked like a 12 year-old and I said a little young for that, aren’t you? He just gave me an embarrassed grin. Did not know anything about the other bicycle don’t think he even saw it there 6 feet away from him. I told him he probably better move on before the policeman came by and saw him  He passed by as we reached the car. Never know who you will meet in the park these days  Can be very interesting  came home and went home and mostly went to sleep again like all morning sleeping all day sleeping all night

  Heard from S by text  She put me in my place And I guess I owe her thanks since I know how we stand, but it’s still difficult  I really have to attend to how much I want to make this about me which I think is not so very much but more than is necessary. Especially in regard to sharing with other people the situation with others.

  To quote her,

, I’ve had to take care of myself, without you, throughout a lot of hard stuff. Perhaps the dogs sensitizes you. You’re stepping in, though the concern is appreciated, causes further irritation and aggravation.

Honestly, your bedside manner is terrible and I do not share your mindset and logic.

As for last night, you didn’t have a thing to do with that upset. When I’m upset it’s best to back off, know when to quit, don’t further harangue and provoke.

She’s absolutely right, although it stings, since it names my buffered characteristic of making everything about me.

   Then now I’m back to worrying in my own end of life, materialistic disposal concerns  without actually doing anything about them  I am advised people can help you, but I don’t find people who do, as I people who give the advice  seems like that’s an honest concern anyway  

     Went to PSC last night.  The dank  smell and hard chairs sent me home early. Really just intended to inform them of my current situation, I think, since I’m not likely to attend much more, if at all. All my religious groups arevgiven up now I think, probably to my detriment. 

   Watched new YouTube post and subscribed to Daichi, a 23 year old making his way in life in Tokyo.  So real, so much like My grandson’s life stage.  God bless him, God bless them both 

  I can’t figure out how to do a link so you look for him yourself on YouTube:

Reaching out

6-10-2015

Text to B and T C now:   

Hello, I have been thinking about you both this summer and B and family. I’m rather depressed however so not up for a phone call yet  But I do want to let you know that my daughter S  just discovered she has breast cancer. This will be difficult for us because she has no friends or family to help her through it and we are so old and far away that I’m not sure how much help we will be for her. I know you will keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  And I cherish the idea that you are my mother‘s sister.  There is still connection among us all as long as there is life and beyond. Love Sandy

Night

 

Copy. Outdoor living room

Asleep at 9:15. Awake at 1:10. Texting S so she must be rather anxcious. Then Red was sick to his stomach, clean up duty. 3:06 now. It’s been a full morning already. Best wishes to all those I love who can’t sleep. 

Finally dozed off about 530 to 7 AM  Thought I would be too tired to get out of my own way all day, but I’m OK   Took red to You Dirty Dog for a bath. D there recommended a groomer in Oak Hill plaza And start using a halter  I may take her up on both  I really like her business and her   We stopped at McDonald’s and the school yard on the way home so for me it was a fun day

 Spent too much time on sudoku, thinking it would put me back to sleep, but of course it did not this time

Well, some of us were sleeping

I like all the feet

Walk in the woods: poison oak, not ivy

     I am starting to feel tightness of anxiety in my left chest and side. I push back against it. I think listing what I “accomplished “ today will help:  texting S and S. Sudoku. Utube shorts for distraction. Bathe Red at atop Dirty Dog ; walk Sac trail with Red and hamburger; drive A to Staples, walk him; buy supper; all the bedtime minutiae plus make the bed;  talk to S by phone, stay neutral with accusations warped around DJ and shaming her and my adopting the behavior she’s so sure she sees but I don’t  Visit and talk   with .  Pill packing ;On verge of sleep finally good night I hope as I driftp

Sadness sets in

On my floor yesterday evening

S is kindly checking with S to ask if She would like to connect with her niece K who is currently being treated. I hope she does

 Finished the Martin blood and Fire Book. Not read anything with that many pages of years