Icky

 

Two days ago

Imposition webinar and I offend. Japanese system says give up relationships that don’t serve you. So back up. Restate. 

Across the world

 

Daichi in Japan, supper 24 hours ago

I love this young man through his videos on YouTube. God bless him and his video work

  I did get pills packed, health insurance reviewed, took Julio to de schoolyard, 

Busy, busy, busy

 

Moist again today

Only one walk with Me and Red. A lot of ceiling at the computer setting up and frustrated by Aon PW‘s and IDs. Then call to doc’s offices Because DMV is requiring statements regarding my sleep apnea and, new, Arrhythmias. Where did they get their information? What’s up with the hippa laws not applying to the state and them using them against us, eg licensing?  Of course JG has that problem big time, poor lad. 

   S says she’s feeling better today, but that RR visit was scary for all of us. TNJ for each day of apparent healing. 

     A and I cooked haddock chowder tonight. The frozen prod—fish— is really good. Individually wrapped real fillets. 

    Spoke to L on phone; she’s house sitting for KB who’s doing Va midwestern foliage tour. 

    After the slump yesterday, today is satisfying. TNJ

Hard Times, Mr Dickens

 

Down by the Riverside yesterday 

Just don’t even want to talk about them today. Perhaps tomorrow

Exhausted. Red, to groomer, then grocery shopping, dead sleep nap, picked up Red and walked him. To O for first hair appointment. She double booked!  I did not know that term till she said she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t do it again  Not sure that’s gonna work for me.

P.m. now Sat ER for three hours worried about her heart and self diagnosing with me “pushing too hard”— criticizing/—via text then apologizing. 

I can’t get life right, Lord help me. Thank you. 

Lee van Lear daily Five Substack today, “everything here now” today:

The sensation of Being 

establishes the ground floor for every event in life 

and without it nothing lasts. 

The breath nourishes the roots of this sensation. 

And I become more whole. 

This sensation of being is what creates my individuality. 

An undivided perception of being. 

Everything here. 

In one place. Now. 

In this way, I am more prepared 

both to live and to receive this life. 

Many things become possible from this place 

which are impossible from any other place

including the development of a relationship 

with real feeling 

and the awakening of conscience. 

In contrast—not sunny

 

Back yard early

But we we’ll see what the day brings. Already had a wonderful episode of the Flaubert Report, my favorite from Lee. And the beneficence of Castor oil;  nasty I know, but I’m truly grateful  A&E conference starts today although I’m not going to participate. Webinar tonight. Busy hair day tomorrow for  both Red and me. 

New looks:

C’s birthday. She said these are her chemo curls.

S’s new glasses. First ones, progressives

Rainy day blues?

 

Another autumn still life, yesterday

So pretty, on Sac trail

We have and will have steady cold rain until tomorrow evening. It’s pleasant actually but niggles my mind to be tranquil about not walking or cleaning or decluttering. 

   Check out Catholic charities and Southern Maine agency on aging for helpers didn’t get very far. Do you need to get into Aon? Maybe tomorrow Thursday and Friday will be very busy. Hope my car is ready as promised Friday

Come back

 

Hit the floor.

 More comfy than the bed?!!

Calmer day

 

Autumn still life, today on our walk

  3:30 am heart to heart with A really eased my overwhelm tremendously. Lawyer, D, came down to help. It’s not an in alloyed help, but I won’t go into to the vagaries of that relationship. 

   The rain is peaceful tonight. I’m walking less. I posted a new album on his YouTube channel, really good music. S is visiting by phone. A blessed day. 

Good night/ good morning

 

WHS from shortcut walk 

to Hannaford long before bedtime 

Plans & Purchases

Trying on. S pic

I keep making them. Even if they give me a stomachache

So don’t forget this one

 

Sleepyhead this morning

Two calls from S this morning As usual, asking for money. This time the biweekly deposit early Not to mention, we already deposited for glasses on Monday  I don’t see you saying no ever just hope the stock market keeps going up which you did yesterday 1K. May be this is the price we’re paying for being irresponsible parents in childhood. Let me find that video by Rabbi Josh Gordon About educating children, the last two minutes were interrupted when I was walking Red after our Rainy morning turned sunny. I’m also waiting for Bill W regarding the retaining wall now

  He has come and gone. Inspires confidence, but it won’t be cheap and the big problem is getting equipment into the backyard especially since it will mess up D’s yard

JG’s morning

 

JG’s pic

My young friend JG texted me a funny story this morning:   he just went to Aldi’s and got there 20 minutes before it opened. A crowd of women waited outside, he was the only man. His mom had asked him to pick up a package of Halloween Need Ohs, which are squishy fidget toys. The ladies jammed in first, grabbed them, and yelling “we got them all!,” as they left him empty handed , avec rien, mit zilch, nada; he did not get a single one.  He’s laughing about it, but it’s disappointing.  He laughed at my labels of them as shopaholics and retail maniacs 

Reminds me of the old  Cabbage Patch dolls days for A and me. Then threes the old 1996 Schwarzenegger and Sinbad movie, Jingle All the Way. 

Wash, rinse, repeat

 

Rock Row yesterday noon

Ditto

I posted only the photo yesterday, a space holder, and never got back to it. I realized at one point late in the day how desperately fast the feeling of time/events passing was running, like I wanted to clutch the day with my hands and shake it and shout “slow down!”  I will go back to that post now to describe some of the events. May be reviewing them slows them down

Just to open it up

 

Autumn on our trail this year, Oct 3 

Roll back the day, from Tuesday. 

Morning auto trivia and cel mediation s with Chabad Torah Simchat add in very appreciated   Tads of business —fluxe emails, Brody called about retaining wall, googled ways to sell stuff.  Five stop car run: PO, bank, Market Basket, city hall to vote, McD for lunch. Walked Red everywhere. Home read in garage:  strange big drop, big plops sun shower, like joust over our heads nowhere else. No real cluttering but 2 each clothing items; A does not want to just let them go; we are not on the same page for this disposal project of mine. Supper —fluff San and milky stuff at 9:30,  before and after webinar. Liked the webinar, told my Ibrahim story at beginning, launched sending discussion at end. No meeting next week due to conference. C and Nola visited.  Go to bed

   S had her 2nd chemo today and seemed very zen. Nephew JW must have had his jaw fix surgery today. DB lost her 56 year old stepson, another of a long run of disasters for her. We re all suffering. Look for the joy with the grief. 

S’s Sunday Supper 

Ok then

Last night

 915 and big pop,  L saw a big flash JG Said transformer is out. So no electricity for a while. Fixed in about 85 minutes  

(From Gwynne) Rodney Collins, Mirror of Light excerpt applies to Ibrahim incident: 

“We are connected with everyone we have met or talked to or felt, because we have given them part of ourselves - our irradiations. It is not performance but irradiations that matter. Our reactions are physical;  we have to make them positive. If we think of ourselves everything goes wrong. If we forget ourselves we can do right. We cannot love everybody, but we are here to project harmony. If we have harmony we grow. To collect positiveness we must love people, really love them. Just love them. Everyone is in need of love; it is spiritual food. When we love people we give them our flesh and blood. Blood is emanations, flesh means our real self. 

To love is not an emotion nor a sensation nor an idea; it is the particular kind of irradiation that only a certain type of action can produce in us.

If a person feels affection for someone but is too lazy to help him, he does not love him. On the other hand a person may feel very irritated with someone, but if in spite of his impatience he makes an effort to help him, that is loving him. He projects to him irradiations that probably are of more help than his action, but which can only be set in motion by action with the intention to help. The only way to love our neighbour as ourself to learn how to com-municate with God. Then we have the grace to love both our neighbour and ourself.All functions are biological. Just as thebody functions are biological, so emotions have a biological basis. There are two kinds of negativeness. The kind that comes frominside is meanness; this is bad. But the negativeness that comes from outside is reaction; this is not bad. Often when we react irritably it is because we have an accumulation of body acids that need to be eliminated. We need to have an elimination of these acids at least once a week, in anger or tears or strong laughter. The mistake is when we identify ourselves with these eliminations and mix them with feelings. It is wrong to stop anyone from this kind of elimination; it does them harm in the same way it would do harm to stop a physical elimination. Babies are very wise; they know about this. They will cry till they are red in the face. Mothers should not pick them up till they have finished, though they must not be left to cry too long or they will form the habit. We must learn how to get rid of our emotional waste. Once aweek we should run, shout, laugh, cry, put it out of us. We should get rid of our physical reactions, but not against other people. We must know the difference between physical reactions, and feelings. We must never hurt anybody; apart from that it does not matter how we work off our emotional waste. When we have eliminated it we will be clean.

The cleaner we are outside the cleaner inside. If we are clean the pores of the skin are ready to get rid of adds and we will be more healthy. Cleanliness depends on how we were brought up. We have to be clean as a base, to be virile, strong. Our housesshould be clean. There is a Russian saying: 'Where there is dust there is a devil'. God only comes into clean things. When we understand cleanliness we have to cultivate neatness. We should always be aware of neatness, for it helps very much with self-respect. After neatness comes smartness, a combination of quality, suitability and fashion that is within the reach of everyone with taste and intelligence. It does not of necessity mean being dressed in the latest fashion, for often fashion means making oneself look ridiculous in order not to be thought ridiculous.

When instead of saying: 'I feel so lazytoday', we turn our lethargy intopositiveness by saying: 'I must dosomething to get out of this', we find that we have more energy than if we gave in to it. We must try to convert our negativeness into positiveness. We must make everythingpositive by our wish, by our strength, by our efforts. If there is one person who is depressed in a gathering of people he can make everyone else depressed too.”

Ibrahim the rude

 

Something else ugly 9-17-26 Webster park

So I’ve made it a goal to declutter something every day. Yesterday and today I took down all the old picture frames from the garage and a few other items and bagged them for Goodwill.  Baggy old snaggletoothed Ibrahim was collecting from the cars today. He asked what the frames were and announced all this stuff was trash.  Trash?!! I told him I bought most of it here except those loose frames cost me $300 even if they need to be put together. Artists buy them.  Later I wished I had told him, they must take trash; they took you. I kept thinking about the rumor. Shekinah wants to start a “go back to your country” T-shirt line, too.

Glad I turned the other cheek instead. But Lord have mercy on all of us!  You really love us, fools that we all are, Some Announcing out loud, others keeping their meanness inside. 

Nought to say yet

 

Don’t have to go far to find glory

So peaceful I hear a goose honking and Red barking and the 6 or 8th. Airplane takeoff. Grant them all safe journeys and thanks again for the FlyDubai save

  Evening now and I’m very tired. If I ask, where is my sensation now it’s in all pains in my shoulders and feet and lower back and neck  Doesn’t feel like any glory there just a sense of getting old and having I’m not very good heart pumping low energy all the time it seems like

  I fixed chowder tonight and it was not all that good and a lot of work  The cod fell apart, totally. My two cans of evaporated milk we’re outdated so I had to run to the local convenience store which fortunately I just opened on Monday to see if they have anything  They have an offbrand half-and-half, which I bought, and which tasted like an offbrand, which I boiled anyway  I enjoyed meeting the young Indian man working behind the counter. He said he is from Surat, A diamond city,  and I looked up where it is.  In the crease on eastern half of the Country although he said it was north. He says it’s not too hot, nice river. Wiki post looked good. 

   No PSC tonight. I’m too tired to be there anyway  But I wonder what the alternative meeting they said was being held i.

New car for now

 

Picking up car rental 

Odd foggy am melted away to beautiful summery day. I was in Afib and awake. 4:30-7:09 am approximately. Contacted D about making end of life plans. Will see her about 10-9 or 10. Business with Caliber Collision including Enterprise car rental on which they dropped the ball but recovered by giving me another person’s rental, agreeing she was late and only needed her mirror repaired. I didn’t feel so good about that especially after I saw her  She reminded me of C and how she always gets taken advantage of because of people’s class assumptions. I heard them confirming with her that she did not need a rental, however, and they would fix her mirror immediately that day  I left it that way however and just hope everything worked out OK  JG was with me. We stopped at BJ’s and bought pie and cookies and salad   He said he can take a look at my old toys and maybe sell them for me  That would be good. He was very talkative about his personal life too. 

Active morning

 

160 even, but not a pretty sight

(Not nude, if you’re wondering)

Now I’m a bit tired   Texted JC   Called DL regarding clearing out my mineral collection.  Decluttered CPAP equipment. Lordy, I should not have to order another thing for a year!  

    JG s Visit with A for the Red Sox game last made ME so happy!  Listening to them converse just lit up my heart Before I fell asleep To their sounds. It reminded me of feelings from parties, and I don’t know the last time I was at a party, especially here at home. 

It’s raining again. 

Yikes

 

Street detritus. Rust  today

Accomplished all the tasks on today’s to do list. Feels great. But I’m tired. A bit dizzy a couple of times in the last two hours. Notifications said I was in Afib 70% Of the time last week. Last week it said 50% of the week before. Yikes indeed. And Dr L said I was in a fib during my exam a couple of weeks ago.  But my cardiologist don’t seem to take these readings too seriously over the past year ; not sure whether to call them or not. I really am afraid of heart attack., like at 4am in bed in Orono  9-17.  I will probably call but must deal with the car Thursday. I’m also worried/afraid I may lose my drivers license and have no driver in the house. Lord help me!  

Que sera, sera

 

Abed.  Now

More rain all day. Yesterday and today. Red doesn’t love it. But it has its pleasant quietude.

Lee says today, and I hope he’s right:

I see that despite my inadequacy, 

I am penetrated by love. 

It has come here to help. 

Japanese decluttering advice:

  The special occasion you’re waiting for is the day you are already in  ( Use it or dispose it

   Do not let your stuff become someone else’s burden

     

Not so bad so far

Milkweed pod at 5Guys Thursday 

Beware that mixture of boredom, fear and depression

A woman pulled out her car in front of me on Main Street yesterday day and just stared right into my eyes as if daring me to say a word. How word and ironic after Thursday crash

Gray day

Field full of little kids recreating 

Waters tranquil

Lots of rain and possibly a northeaster predicted. We went to the park and bought Subway for lunch not much of a walk, but very satisfying S reports she’s doing well today

We need this now? Really?

Samaeo M

Met an African with a crippled foot in an unexpected and sorry way.  T-boned at a four way stop.  I took the blame. I ran a stop sign. BUT. He was turning left and did not see me?  Why was I talking for him to the officer?  Because of his stearner demeanor?  He was trying to help me, I think, but I wasn’t getting the hints at the time. ME has some law about at fault if you can stop an accident but don’t, I think. I did not get a citation so far. But could I lose my license?We’ll see. Filed claims while we waited for police. Spoke to HM rep today .  Will go with JG to auto body shop Monday. Caliber on Forest Ave. 

   I really want to stop driving, but not going places.

New day

 

On my walk yesterday 

In the orchard today

S’s orchard pics today

It’s exactly a week to the hour that u arrived by obus last week in S’s town. We immediately did “retail therapy” at Home Goods, taking back a fringed blue suede hassock (!!! I can’t say no these days) and $15 worth of junk snacks that I brought back Friday and am still eating. Thank goodness I didn’t scarf them down all at once. My weight is consistently hovering at 160 lb. Guess that’s a good thing. Days are chilling but beautifully sunny. Darkness comes way too early. And she’s on my mind pretty constantly. Gif be with us 

  She had a good day today. Went to an orchard and brought home apples for sauce, canned pickled vegetables and fresh squash. God grant her pease and rest and healing IJN

Morning flies by

 

Red Devil, I think. Yesterday

Now it’s time for German webinar and I’m falling asleep. Im anxious to hear from S

Waiting

 

Birthday modeling

I noted it was Yom Kippur. Pray for a sweeter year meaning successful treatment, to begin with 

Gray, cold

 

Familiar.  Yesterday

The other half of autumn   I’ve had the stove on most of the day. Walked with Red in the ‘hood.  Awake for eight hours now. All I can seem to fe l and think about is my daughter’s plight and fight.  Feel like the tar baby. Will there ever be joy or ordinary happiness in my life again. 

Called sis C. No consolation. She has her own misery, cut off from prescription drugs and her new first floor apartment was flooded 3 inches. Hasn’t heard from L. Can’t catch a break, the whole family. 

Yom Kippur starts tonight. I recall wishing a young Jewish woman from Coral a happy one a year or two ago and she kindly explained it’s not that kind of holiday. It’s a day of atonement, 25 hours of fasting, no water even, I surmise from a cancer survivor I read on Chabad yesterday, Bentzi Sasson of NYC. His description of his chemo experience both frightens and inspires me, particularly his emphasis on reliance on God and family, both missing in this upcoming case. I may be the connection, but I am rejected, not to mention weak. Help, Lord! IJN

https://w2.chabad.org/media/images/913/KQdg9132782.jpg?_i=_n32DD4A5CE5B405756B86D11830CBE5B1

Tranquility Day

 

View from Saint Joseph entrance in Bangor

 yesterday shortly before I left town

What contrast— Day and night, Jekyll and Hyde. A kept the house very clean, and with the light my heart and soul are lifted from the paranoia and fear and loathing that was developing in just 48 hours. She’s right and says she can accept it:  we cannot live with each other more than that time. A sorrow and pity. She says don’t feel bad or guilty, but she can’t know how painful it is to have failed your beloved child. Her father less so, but even so

I feel deep sorrow and sadness in my heart and mind. Peace also, Thank you, Jesus. This must be the joy and love that Lee links to sorrow 

Sneaking one in—not

 

So handsome but even

 more so on the inside

I wrote nothing on this blog yesterday, but did not want the day to pass unnoticed. Too tired. Went to sleep about 8 PM. I saved the space, but program did not keep it  Commentary on human machine relationships I suppose  It won’t let me change the date, you know.   

Today I will say I travel home catching the 330 bus and keeping JG out waiting for me in the bus station later than I intended. I fell asleep in Augusta and didn’t call him since I woke up only as we were pulling into the Portland station God bless him for being so patient and kind to me.  I left my phone in his car and he already had his jammies on when I went to pick it up thank goodness he only lives a couple of houses down  

Heute : Glory of life?

 

Residents of the Stillwater Bridge

Met a wonderful Christian family in waiting room. Dad ❤️sil VIP loyal mgr

Sweet in the hospital but she didn’t like my driving so 4-5 FUs before we pulled into the driveway. I’m sitting on the backyard. Not sure how we will get thru the day let alone the next six days or what’s left of our lives   She declared the whole laundry list of her resentment   You wrecked my horse you wrecked my education, you wrecked my grandfather, you’re trying to wreck my car. All for (hubris? Ego? Influence?  What was the word she used?  It shows her state of mind is deep blame and hatred for me.) “At least you got it out. should I go take a bus now?”  “No” 

Now a repeat performance second verse same as the first  I can’t even take credit for all my sins and apologize  

“What do you get out of this?”  

I think I would rather have the trials of the lady with a special-needs man child then this, but maybe not

An hour later  “I don’t mean to be  so  mean to you …”  “I get it  it’s good for you to get it out”  “Thanks for understanding”

  Then starting up with my offensiveness at food prep time. I jumped ship.   Spent an hour or two on the porch in the dark after bolting some leftovers.  Went in to see if we had anything to say amicably  but launched the main event  

A lifetime of resentment

“Therefore, cancer not only affects a singular life, but it also has the power to fracture and stress the very fabric of family, friends and colleagues.” Sat Hon, Healing Cancer…

And it has certainly done that already. I stress her to the point of unbearable rage, asking, “why do you seem to value your car and your cat more than your mother?  It seems to me like you are blaming me for all the evils of your life. What good is this doing? How can I possibly help you?  We should get a nurse to help you if I can’t.” “No. I’m supposed to be resting, but all you do is harass me.  My cat doesn’t do that.”  “Doesn’t drive you to the doctor either.”  “You’re just jealous, and you try to break my stuff, my car. You have a lousy bedside manner. You’re not going to make me a scapegoat. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to suck your pussy, Lady. (X3) You’ve got to get your unbearable narcissism under control.  Go to bed.  I’m not your mommy.”  “I’m in the bed.”  And my stomach hurts badly. We both call A sequentially, break his heart, I’m sure, but only get “ We’ll get through this together.”  I’m blessed if I see how. 

Who can solve this mess? Jesus, help!  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry it’s so pathetic. 

9-19. One more to add/document with vituperation:  She said and has done other times. That I used to beat her in her bet, her sleep, no matter I lie or deny. That is certainly grounds for PTSD. I don’t remember doing, but I can’t quite say I didn’t. I seem to have an image of us slapping each other and shouting in the pink light of her bedroom at night, and it fits the frustration I know I felt with her late night behaviors in high school. So my general apology is no appeasement for either of us. And we cannot seem to discuss our memories in times of calm, only accusation. Which I take in without reaction though it feels like hurricane winds. May not get to the end of this in this lifetime 

   Aother bewildering repetition to me  as her child who cannot will not take or follow directions. She’s big on that 

Travel

Enjoying the sunshine

For I am just here in simplicity 
and in love and in truth, 
to be. 

It is the proximity to presence that makes a difference in life, 

I remind myself that today 
I will make an effort to be still 
and sense and listen 

for this song of being.

Lee van Laer daily five Substack today, The song of being

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being. 

New normal starting.

 

He knows 

Going to Orono tomorrow