I think so. Frightened of this life, and resentful. A “feels besieged”. Is that the word he used? Or was it more like betrayed? Grim. Grim old age. Then Grim Reaper
I’m afraid of this on-thrust of new and heavy responsibilities. I want to resist and not embrace them. Push them away. Shift them to someone safer more capable, but who? No one seems capable or willing. So it’s hard to feel thankful or grateful or playful or tuned in moment to moment.i see the short comings so ilecture and give orders that no one wants to hear, trying to solve their problems, to convince them to try to see and solve them with my solutions if they don’t see the issues that I see. I’m trying to help, and it feels like work, an actual job with uncertain relationships like teaching was or D’s Cosco job or past office employments
How’s that working for me? I’m suffering. What is suffering, my personality or essence? It feels like it has nothing to do with either, like it’s about getting everyone to take care of their own business so I don’t have to. Friction: Will it really yield growth? Attempts at self calming: My best allegory is the movie the Martian. Totally. Alone. Keep showing the problem and you might get to come home But he has the whole world rooting for him and trying to help solve such a difficult problem, stranded alone in an alien environment
I still pray constantly inside help me. And do not the others and am I not my brother‘s keeper? but I feel so incapable
“If it were done when ‘tis done, then it were well it is done quickly. But in these cases…”
Just trying to keep each other afloat, and myself.
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