Now I’m a bit tired Texted JC Called DL regarding clearing out my mineral collection. Decluttered CPAP equipment. Lordy, I should not have to order another thing for a year!
JG s Visit with A for the Red Sox game last made ME so happy! Listening to them converse just lit up my heart Before I fell asleep To their sounds. It reminded me of feelings from parties, and I don’t know the last time I was at a party, especially here at home.
It’s raining again.
More rain all day. Yesterday and today. Red doesn’t love it. But it has its pleasant quietude.
Lee says today, and I hope he’s right:
I see that despite my inadequacy,
I am penetrated by love.
It has come here to help.
Japanese decluttering advice:
The special occasion you’re waiting for is the day you are already in ( Use it or dispose it
Do not let your stuff become someone else’s burden
Beware that mixture of boredom, fear and depression
A woman pulled out her car in front of me on Main Street yesterday day and just stared right into my eyes as if daring me to say a word. How word and ironic after Thursday crash
Lots of rain and possibly a northeaster predicted. We went to the park and bought Subway for lunch not much of a walk, but very satisfying S reports she’s doing well today
Met an African with a crippled foot in an unexpected and sorry way. T-boned at a four way stop. I took the blame. I ran a stop sign. BUT. He was turning left and did not see me? Why was I talking for him to the officer? Because of his stearner demeanor? He was trying to help me, I think, but I wasn’t getting the hints at the time. ME has some law about at fault if you can stop an accident but don’t, I think. I did not get a citation so far. But could I lose my license?We’ll see. Filed claims while we waited for police. Spoke to HM rep today . Will go with JG to auto body shop Monday. Caliber on Forest Ave.
I really want to stop driving, but not going places.
Now it’s time for German webinar and I’m falling asleep. Im anxious to hear from S
The other half of autumn I’ve had the stove on most of the day. Walked with Red in the ‘hood. Awake for eight hours now. All I can seem to fe l and think about is my daughter’s plight and fight. Feel like the tar baby. Will there ever be joy or ordinary happiness in my life again.
Called sis C. No consolation. She has her own misery, cut off from prescription drugs and her new first floor apartment was flooded 3 inches. Hasn’t heard from L. Can’t catch a break, the whole family.
Yom Kippur starts tonight. I recall wishing a young Jewish woman from Coral a happy one a year or two ago and she kindly explained it’s not that kind of holiday. It’s a day of atonement, 25 hours of fasting, no water even, I surmise from a cancer survivor I read on Chabad yesterday, Bentzi Sasson of NYC. His description of his chemo experience both frightens and inspires me, particularly his emphasis on reliance on God and family, both missing in this upcoming case. I may be the connection, but I am rejected, not to mention weak. Help, Lord! IJN
https://w2.chabad.org/media/images/913/KQdg9132782.jpg?_i=_n32DD4A5CE5B405756B86D11830CBE5B1
What contrast— Day and night, Jekyll and Hyde. A kept the house very clean, and with the light my heart and soul are lifted from the paranoia and fear and loathing that was developing in just 48 hours. She’s right and says she can accept it: we cannot live with each other more than that time. A sorrow and pity. She says don’t feel bad or guilty, but she can’t know how painful it is to have failed your beloved child. Her father less so, but even so
I feel deep sorrow and sadness in my heart and mind. Peace also, Thank you, Jesus. This must be the joy and love that Lee links to sorrow
I wrote nothing on this blog yesterday, but did not want the day to pass unnoticed. Too tired. Went to sleep about 8 PMI saved the space, but program did not keep it Commentary on human machine relationships I suppose It won’t let me change the date, you know.
Today I will say I travel home catching the 330 bus and keeping JG out waiting for me in the bus station later than I intended. I fell asleep in Augusta and didn’t call him since I woke up only as we were pulling into the Portland station God bless him for being so patient and kind to me. I left my phone in his car and he already had his jammies on when I went to pick it up thank goodness he only lives a couple of houses down
Sweet in the hospital but she didn’t like my driving so 4-5 FUs before we pulled into the driveway. I’m sitting on the backyard. Not sure how we will get thru the day let alone the next six days or what’s left of our lives She declared the whole laundry list of her resentment You wrecked my horse you wrecked my education, you wrecked my grandfather, you’re trying to wreck my car. All for (hubris? Ego? Influence? What was the word she used? It shows her state of mind is deep blame and hatred for me.) “At least you got it out. should I go take a bus now?” “No”
Now a repeat performance second verse same as the first I can’t even take credit for all my sins and apologize
“What do you get out of this?”
I think I would rather have the trials of the lady with a special-needs man child then this, but maybe not
An hour later “I don’t mean to be so mean to you …” “I get it it’s good for you to get it out” “Thanks for understanding”
Then starting up with my offensiveness at food prep time. I jumped ship. Spent an hour or two on the porch in the dark after bolting some leftovers. Went in to see if we had anything to say amicably but launched the main event
And it has certainly done that already. I stress her to the point of unbearable rage, asking, “why do you seem to value your car and your cat more than your mother? It seems to me like you are blaming me for all the evils of your life. What good is this doing? How can I possibly help you? We should get a nurse to help you if I can’t.” “No. I’m supposed to be resting, but all you do is harass me. My cat doesn’t do that.” “Doesn’t drive you to the doctor either.” “You’re just jealous, and you try to break my stuff, my car. You have a lousy bedside manner. You’re not going to make me a scapegoat. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to suck your pussy, Lady. (X3) You’ve got to get your unbearable narcissism under control. Go to bed. I’m not your mommy.” “I’m in the bed.” And my stomach hurts badly. We both call A sequentially, break his heart, I’m sure, but only get “ We’ll get through this together.” I’m blessed if I see how.
Who can solve this mess? Jesus, help! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry it’s so pathetic.
9-19. One more to add/document with vituperation: She said and has done other times. That I used to beat her in her bet, her sleep, no matter I lie or deny. That is certainly grounds for PTSD. I don’t remember doing, but I can’t quite say I didn’t. I seem to have an image of us slapping each other and shouting in the pink light of her bedroom at night, and it fits the frustration I know I felt with her late night behaviors in high school. So my general apology is no appeasement for either of us. And we cannot seem to discuss our memories in times of calm, only accusation. Which I take in without reaction though it feels like hurricane winds. May not get to the end of this in this lifetime
Aother bewildering repetition to me as her child who cannot will not take or follow directions. She’s big on that
For I am just here in simplicity and in love and in truth, to be. It is the proximity to presence that makes a difference in life,
I remind myself that today I will make an effort to be still and sense and listen
for this song of being.Lee van Laer daily five Substack today, The song of being
for this song of being. an effort to be still
and sense and listen
for this song of being. an effort to be still
and sense and listen
for this song of being.
Well, I see leaves in the air this morning. The temperature is about 63° and isn’t going to get into the 70s today I don’t think Sure feels like fall New England to me. Don’t know how often they’ll come around anymore. That is you never know which one will be your last. I don’t think we’ll have Thanksgiving in the usual way anymore, and I hate to see that custom broken.
The roof sent me a very comforting email and will loan me his book on healing cancer through Qigong. I did download it on Kindle so I’m getting a head start I wonder if S would like it; probably not, she rejects most of my suggestions, tagging them interference rather than the love and concern I intend. Sad when people who love each other don’t connect, especially with increasing awareness of time on earth growing shorter
I miss my mother.
Yesterday’s post that is. I remember it vaguely. A lamentation at 4 am edit ed 12 hours later. That was the photo I used. Think I mentioned talking to S. Who turns out had v cancer surgery a couple of weeks ago
But I found it on September 9 so I just legitimately skipped the 10th, looks like. There’s the chaos I mentioned yesterday Memory just can’t hold onto things where it used to particularly with the modicum of grief driven depression that has been dropped into it lately. The trick is to bear it and not get irritable.
Last appointment With LCSW E This morning we were done in half an hour after we talked about my daughter‘s cancer and my little comforter’s digestive issues. Red, of course. And I was sitting on a volcanic digestive issue of my own. (Use your imagination; I get tired of initiating old lady organ recitals, as dear F named them.).
He left me with two good takeaways, One a good Buddhist saying she said: “ Anything that’s happening to anyone in the world could be happening to you.” I said that Is a variation of what my brother said when I whinged about the latest batch of our family’s ills, “ It’s our turn.”
She alsotold me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week at a time, and her mother finally decided to find out where. She found Miss Kitty moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!” They decided to just share the kitty who would do what cats do. 🐈⬛ I asked, was it a bigamist or a catamist?
old me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week of the time and her mother decided to find out where finally and found her moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “ That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!” They finally just shared the kitty 🐈⬛ I ask, was she a bigamist or a catamist?
I told A a couple of days ago, I fear the future Huge life changes I try to anticipate They are imaginary at this point. Crossing bridges before I get to them. To do? luxuriate in events of now—lying in this bed. Recalling yesterday!s drawings and walks and meet ups with neighbors—T and Z. Long FaceTime w S as she prepared her food. No criticism of each other. Creating a new normal? Hearing about it, I talking about it electronically? A new puzzle
Thoughts and wishes for a young stranger in Japan? Known only by his YouTube vlog., Grandsons music round in my head. Eg. Awake Me. Baruch”s face informing my drawing of Jesus, made yesterday evening in my garage while my darling Red wandered off to K’s to play with Luca. Gone a half hour without my noticing. Smiling happily as he padded home, accompanied by K. Like yesterday, but the beautiful K was his escort home
