Roll out. A bit late

 

8-2/26

Gray morning, sleepy

Sunset, yesterday evening, 

Masonic carpark

 Sleepy all day it turned out. A went to BJ’s with PG. We talked to I who is back at school in a suite with three roommates which may be very good for him. 14th floor!!! however.  He checked in about 9 AM. Then we spoke to E who gave us those details. Drove at start of misty rain to DQ—McD line too long at 3 pm—then to the park just as it stopped. Drive, walk, and eat—how yesterday for me, not to mention unsafe. African boy on a motorized bicycle buzzed by, very scary. The speed he went. A saw him too, coming and going.  I asked three then a fourth Hispanic youths about an Abandoned bicycle by the railroad track bridge. I don’t think they understood me I called public safety to come and collect it. The fourth kid was sitting on the steps of the bridge smoking the foul Doobie. He looked like a 12 year-old and I said a little young for that, aren’t you? He just gave me an embarrassed grin. Did not know anything about the other bicycle don’t think he even saw it there 6 feet away from him. I told him he probably better move on before the policeman came by and saw him  He passed by as we reached the car. Never know who you will meet in the park these days  Can be very interesting  came home and went home and mostly went to sleep again like all morning sleeping all day sleeping all night

  Heard from S by text  She put me in my place And I guess I owe her thanks since I know how we stand, but it’s still difficult  I really have to attend to how much I want to make this about me which I think is not so very much but more than is necessary. Especially in regard to sharing with other people the situation with others.

  To quote her,

, I’ve had to take care of myself, without you, throughout a lot of hard stuff. Perhaps the dogs sensitizes you. You’re stepping in, though the concern is appreciated, causes further irritation and aggravation.

Honestly, your bedside manner is terrible and I do not share your mindset and logic.

As for last night, you didn’t have a thing to do with that upset. When I’m upset it’s best to back off, know when to quit, don’t further harangue and provoke.

She’s absolutely right, although it stings, since it names my buffered characteristic of making everything about me.

   Then now I’m back to worrying in my own end of life, materialistic disposal concerns  without actually doing anything about them  I am advised people can help you, but I don’t find people who do, as I people who give the advice  seems like that’s an honest concern anyway  

     Went to PSC last night.  The dank  smell and hard chairs sent me home early. Really just intended to inform them of my current situation, I think, since I’m not likely to attend much more, if at all. All my religious groups arevgiven up now I think, probably to my detriment. 

   Watched new YouTube post and subscribed to Daichi, a 23 year old making his way in life in Tokyo.  So real, so much like My grandson’s life stage.  God bless him, God bless them both 

  I can’t figure out how to do a link so you look for him yourself on YouTube:

Reaching out

6-10-2015

Text to B and T C now:   

Hello, I have been thinking about you both this summer and B and family. I’m rather depressed however so not up for a phone call yet  But I do want to let you know that my daughter S  just discovered she has breast cancer. This will be difficult for us because she has no friends or family to help her through it and we are so old and far away that I’m not sure how much help we will be for her. I know you will keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  And I cherish the idea that you are my mother‘s sister.  There is still connection among us all as long as there is life and beyond. Love Sandy

Night

 

Copy. Outdoor living room

Asleep at 9:15. Awake at 1:10. Texting S so she must be rather anxcious. Then Red was sick to his stomach, clean up duty. 3:06 now. It’s been a full morning already. Best wishes to all those I love who can’t sleep. 

Finally dozed off about 530 to 7 AM  Thought I would be too tired to get out of my own way all day, but I’m OK   Took red to You Dirty Dog for a bath. D there recommended a groomer in Oak Hill plaza And start using a halter  I may take her up on both  I really like her business and her   We stopped at McDonald’s and the school yard on the way home so for me it was a fun day

 Spent too much time on sudoku, thinking it would put me back to sleep, but of course it did not this time

Well, some of us were sleeping

I like all the feet

Walk in the woods: poison oak, not ivy

     I am starting to feel tightness of anxiety in my left chest and side. I push back against it. I think listing what I “accomplished “ today will help:  texting S and S. Sudoku. Utube shorts for distraction. Bathe Red at atop Dirty Dog ; walk Sac trail with Red and hamburger; drive A to Staples, walk him; buy supper; all the bedtime minutiae plus make the bed;  talk to S by phone, stay neutral with accusations warped around DJ and shaming her and my adopting the behavior she’s so sure she sees but I don’t  Visit and talk   with .  Pill packing ;On verge of sleep finally good night I hope as I driftp

Sadness sets in

On my floor yesterday evening

S is kindly checking with S to ask if She would like to connect with her niece K who is currently being treated. I hope she does

 Finished the Martin blood and Fire Book. Not read anything with that many pages of years

Now what?

 

Unchanging?  No; nothing is

Saw JW and his two westies, Stewart and Sproket, yesterday afternoon, first time in a while. Ayla is gone. 

Can’t see around the corners.Red ran out the house at 9 PM last night toward the barking and came right back with the big dog came along and asked if they could play a minute I said sure and sorry he got off leash. They started doing their twirls. Next thing I saw she was on the ground poor thing glad I didn’t fall, but I feel terrible for her.  Nola was up in her driveway all this time. We went for a little walk. My heart was not in it, ping-ponging between daughters, distracted by dogs. 

Bought a new mattress with S this pm

Another blow

 

Yesterday

Her diagnosis is malignant. Cross the bridges as we come to them

  I get so tired of hearing people talk. 

Back at clambake again

This is what I should have posted yesterday from Saturday evening. It was a wonderful spontaneous visit in the head steamers for the first time and I don’t know when I like the landscape of the marsh in the evening sun was beautiful on it

Living in clover

 

And loving it

  Not doing anything today. Absolutely beautiful late summer day, cool sunshine  Made homemade no baked cookies; don’t need to do that again. Talked to DJ since he got home from his travels always good to talk to him   Dreamt about visiting him in his house after falling back to sleep this morning  Still having digestive issues, wish that would go away

Steamers at the marsh

Things perked up in the evening and 

we took a spontaneous trip to the clambake

Back to visit

 

What a cutie. HF back to visit

Pretty ladies

 

In the park, just before the hail storm

   That was quite an experience  Chick-fil-A at the picnic table near the Muslim coffee wagon;  these lovely ladies walked by And recommended the Matcha drinks, Banana bread and mango. Walked by and we chatted with him for 10 minutes or so  I was sucking down The drugs of a peach milkshake. Red and I shared a few nuggets and two young African kids wanted to But were shy about handing him a chicken nugget when I offered one to them not him  Obviously afraid of dog mouth. Can’t blame them  Is that thunder I hear Rick said yes he better get back to his car. I decided to try the coffee stand and maybe get a little walk-in.  Rain started 30 yards away so we turned back just as we ordered coffee. A downpour came along and by the time we got to the car, there was hail; we were soaked and cold. A was whingeing about the windows being down. Driving home was scary enough since the windshield was fogged up And I wasn’t sure what button would unfog it. When we got into the stream of traffic, that jerks ahead of us wouldn’t go more than about 10 miles an hour although it wasn’t that unsafe to drive  At home we certainly had to dry up things, including ourselves And the sun has come in and out since we got back right now, bright sunshine and rain. The electricity just went off. So I’m sitting here with beautiful sunshine outside rain falling off the roof and no power I’m powerless

Garbage again

 

One of my favorite things. Collection. 

Didn’t think I skipped yesterday

 

Little dog, little friend. So cute!

But apparently I did. Every day just seems to melt into the other not much difference in the hours certainly not the activities this morning. I took A to the grocery store and the pharmacy and Red for a very little painful walk. 

For example, yesterday we did our 1 mile walk around the block early enough so I didn’t melt in the heat. I’s Monday music sounds like he’s as depressed as I am so I told his dad about it. Gotta watch out for that. He really needs professional counseling might be in order, but I can’t do anything about that anymore than any other problems in the family.

Sat around most of the day again today, but just came back from an early evening walk and it was very pleasant still 84° but a good wind, Greeted four people, including a grandmother Denise pushing her baby carriage. We walked and chatted all the way up Longfellow   I rather hope we could become friends

Bumbling along

 

Yesterday at the schoolyard

Report in other blog.  In the house all day. I did burn supper—stew—half an hour  after I started cooking it. Still smell that nasty odor in the heat and ac. Yuch!

Try to focus

 

Cornflower on the trail, muggy day

We saw JW and his girlfriend in their car as we walked. Do you have any work for me was his question and I said yes paint the deck still; when? When the weather is good I’ll have to buy some paint first. 

  Something I don’t quite trust, Maybe the desperation to live that projects hard from poverty. I seem to sense that as well in the stories I hear from L and C et al. Like S’s warning not to take in M.

  Desperation, it seems to try to wear a mask of friendliness and kindness that I repulse somehow   But how much should I?  I think I’m fearful. Does that not block compassion?

   If I ponder Tzvi Freman’s “hidden love,” will I learn o r open it?

    I told the law yesterday, you don’t trust anybody if you don’t trust yourself.”  Just reminding myself, that’s a core belief for me that I don’t want to show to anyone who counts. Pondering, however, I might do well to consider how trust and love— hidden love particularly—relate. 

TWO Days missed?!!

 

Looking good. New clean cheap rug

On the heat wave, I’d saymy brain is fried. Coming to you live from the second bank of James. Don’t feel like reporting much  Saw lsw E today. I know crocodile tears when I see them, professional sympathy, but I don’t really care.  Still I won’t abide her letting her lefty politics creep in. I’ll keep going for a while anyway, like I’m talking to myself. Talked about S and D and the past. Trust issues. Sins and harm I’ve done, with sis D too. It’s a heavy load, Jesus help me. Then went shopping alone to Home Goods. Bought new living room, rug, and bathroom, rugs and Halloween ornaments which I will give to the kids in the neighborhood but wanted to own for a minute. Mickey D macchiato was very good today for a change. Ah Retail Therapy!

Chest med appt today

 

Selfie new haircut Thursday 130

Almost missed it. Called yesterday morning to find out when it was and they told me 430 today. One more with LCSW on Friday

Que sera?

But rainy all day today

Lee this am:  Everything always flows forward from here into here. 

And nowhere else. 

Bountiful

Let them keep growing. Pretty but not ripe

Like some people

Only thing to report from this day is wacky date we had: BK with order clerk who couldn’t “get it our way” and “Scenic walk” through blocked new paved carpark at BAM

Date with S and D today

 

Scenery

Pics to follow. We will meet them at 3:00 at Eastern prom

Friends