Waiting

 

Gray, cold

 

Familiar.  Yesterday

The other half of autumn   I’ve had the stove on most of the day. Walked with Red in the ‘hood.  Awake for eight hours now. All I can seem to fe l and think about is my daughter’s plight and fight.  Feel like the tar baby. Will there ever be joy or ordinary happiness in my life again. 

Called sis C. No consolation. She has her own misery, cut off from prescription drugs and her new first floor apartment was flooded 3 inches. Hasn’t heard from L. Can’t catch a break, the whole family. 

Yom Kippur starts tonight. I recall wishing a young Jewish woman from Coral a happy one a year or two ago and she kindly explained it’s not that kind of holiday. It’s a day of atonement, 25 hours of fasting, no water even, I surmise from a cancer survivor I read on Chabad yesterday, Bentzi Sasson of NYC. His description of his chemo experience both frightens and inspires me, particularly his emphasis on reliance on God and family, both missing in this upcoming case. I may be the connection, but I am rejected, not to mention weak. Help, Lord! IJN

https://w2.chabad.org/media/images/913/KQdg9132782.jpg?_i=_n32DD4A5CE5B405756B86D11830CBE5B1

Tranquility Day

 

View from Saint Joseph entrance in Bangor

 yesterday shortly before I left town

What contrast— Day and night, Jekyll and Hyde. A kept the house very clean, and with the light my heart and soul are lifted from the paranoia and fear and loathing that was developing in just 48 hours. She’s right and says she can accept it:  we cannot live with each other more than that time. A sorrow and pity. She says don’t feel bad or guilty, but she can’t know how painful it is to have failed your beloved child. Her father less so, but even so

I feel deep sorrow and sadness in my heart and mind. Peace also, Thank you, Jesus. This must be the joy and love that Lee links to sorrow 

Sneaking one in—not

 

So handsome but even

 more so on the inside

I wrote nothing on this blog yesterday, but did not want the day to pass unnoticed. Too tired. Went to sleep about 8 PMI saved the space, but program did not keep it  Commentary on human machine relationships I suppose  It won’t let me change the date, you know.   

Today I will say I travel home catching the 330 bus and keeping JG out waiting for me in the bus station later than I intended. I fell asleep in Augusta and didn’t call him since I woke up only as we were pulling into the Portland station God bless him for being so patient and kind to me.  I left my phone in his car and he already had his jammies on when I went to pick it up thank goodness he only lives a couple of houses down  

Heute : Glory of life?

 

Residents of the Stillwater Bridge

Met a wonderful Christian family in waiting room. Dad ❤️sil VIP loyal mgr

Sweet in the hospital but she didn’t like my driving so 4-5 FUs before we pulled into the driveway. I’m sitting on the backyard. Not sure how we will get thru the day let alone the next six days or what’s left of our lives   She declared the whole laundry list of her resentment   You wrecked my horse you wrecked my education, you wrecked my grandfather, you’re trying to wreck my car. All for (hubris? Ego? Influence?  What was the word she used?  It shows her state of mind is deep blame and hatred for me.) “At least you got it out. should I go take a bus now?”  “No” 

Now a repeat performance second verse same as the first  I can’t even take credit for all my sins and apologize  

“What do you get out of this?”  

I think I would rather have the trials of the lady with a special-needs man child then this, but maybe not

An hour later  “I don’t mean to be  so  mean to you …”  “I get it  it’s good for you to get it out”  “Thanks for understanding”

  Then starting up with my offensiveness at food prep time. I jumped ship.   Spent an hour or two on the porch in the dark after bolting some leftovers.  Went in to see if we had anything to say amicably  but launched the main event  

A lifetime of resentment

“Therefore, cancer not only affects a singular life, but it also has the power to fracture and stress the very fabric of family, friends and colleagues.” Sat Hon, Healing Cancer…

And it has certainly done that already. I stress her to the point of unbearable rage, asking, “why do you seem to value your car and your cat more than your mother?  It seems to me like you are blaming me for all the evils of your life. What good is this doing? How can I possibly help you?  We should get a nurse to help you if I can’t.” “No. I’m supposed to be resting, but all you do is harass me.  My cat doesn’t do that.”  “Doesn’t drive you to the doctor either.”  “You’re just jealous, and you try to break my stuff, my car. You have a lousy bedside manner. You’re not going to make me a scapegoat. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to suck your pussy, Lady. (X3) You’ve got to get your unbearable narcissism under control.  Go to bed.  I’m not your mommy.”  “I’m in the bed.”  And my stomach hurts badly. We both call A sequentially, break his heart, I’m sure, but only get “ We’ll get through this together.”  I’m blessed if I see how. 

Who can solve this mess? Jesus, help!  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry it’s so pathetic. 

9-19. One more to add/document with vituperation:  She said and has done other times. That I used to beat her in her bet, her sleep, no matter I lie or deny. That is certainly grounds for PTSD. I don’t remember doing, but I can’t quite say I didn’t. I seem to have an image of us slapping each other and shouting in the pink light of her bedroom at night, and it fits the frustration I know I felt with her late night behaviors in high school. So my general apology is no appeasement for either of us. And we cannot seem to discuss our memories in times of calm, only accusation. Which I take in without reaction though it feels like hurricane winds. May not get to the end of this in this lifetime 

   Aother bewildering repetition to me  as her child who cannot will not take or follow directions. She’s big on that 

Travel

Enjoying the sunshine

For I am just here in simplicity 
and in love and in truth, 
to be. 

It is the proximity to presence that makes a difference in life, 

I remind myself that today 
I will make an effort to be still 
and sense and listen 

for this song of being.

Lee van Laer daily five Substack today, The song of being

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being.  an effort to be still 

and sense and listen 

for this song of being. 

New normal starting.

 

He knows 

Going to Orono tomorrow 

Fall

Already!

Yesterday in the rain at 

our neighborhood schoolcorner

Well, I see leaves in the air this morning. The temperature is about 63° and isn’t going to get into the 70s today I don’t think  Sure feels like fall New England to me. Don’t know how often they’ll come around anymore. That is you never know which one will be your last.  I don’t think we’ll have Thanksgiving in the usual way anymore, and I hate to see that custom broken. 

The roof sent me a very comforting email and will loan me his book on healing cancer through Qigong. I did download it on Kindle so I’m getting a head start  I wonder if S would like it; probably not, she rejects most of my suggestions, tagging them interference rather than the love and concern I intend. Sad when people who love each other don’t connect, especially with increasing awareness of time on earth growing shorter 

I miss my mother. 

How beautiful

 

Yesterday

Sunshine yesterday, rain today, all day. But we made it and it’s not unpleasant( tempsaren’t supposed to get into the 70s, and sunset is scheduled for 6:55 PM!!!  I don’t expect to do much walking today. I don’t have the allergy/cold symptoms as bad. Little dog only went to the end of the driveway and is now sleeping the rest of the morning With a growling stomach Which I hope is a symptom of weather not bad digestive system. Que sera, sers

Birthday

Sing the song, Blow out the candle

I baked two small Birthday cakes today, one almond flour, the other rice flour apple, date sugar for both. She liked them. 

I feel ill today—sore legs and worse—scarier—drips amd sneezes. She has bad constipation too—iron pills. 

I gave her castor oil to take home. 

I feel so helpless

Lost and Found

Old neighborhood   Redux.

Yesterday’s post that is. I remember it vaguely. A lamentation at 4 am edit ed 12 hours later. That was the photo I used. Think I mentioned talking to S. Who turns out had v cancer surgery a couple of weeks ago

But I found it on September 9 so I just legitimately skipped the 10th, looks like. There’s the chaos I mentioned yesterday Memory just can’t hold onto things where it used to particularly with the modicum of grief driven depression that has been dropped into it lately. The trick is to bear it and not get irritable. 

Last appointment With LCSW E This morning we were done in half an hour after we talked about my daughter‘s  cancer and my little comforter’s digestive issues.  Red, of course. And I was sitting on a volcanic digestive issue of my own. (Use your imagination; I get tired of initiating old lady organ recitals, as dear F named them.). 

He left me with two good takeaways, One a good Buddhist saying she said: “ Anything that’s happening to anyone in the world could be happening to you.”  I said that Is a variation of what my brother said when I whinged about the latest batch of our family’s ills, “ It’s our turn.”

She alsotold me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week at a time,  and her mother finally decided to find out where.  She found Miss Kitty moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They decided to just share the kitty who would do what cats do.   🐈‍⬛  I asked, was it a bigamist or a catamist?

old me a cat story: They had one when she was a girl who would go off for a week of the time and her mother decided to find out where finally and found her moving in with another family for three or four days a week. “ That’s my cat!” “ No, it’s mine!”  They finally just shared the kitty 🐈‍⬛  I ask, was she a bigamist or a catamist?

Five years there

Neighborhood houses

Love, when you see it

FaceTime

I told  A a couple of days ago, I fear the future   Huge life changes I try to anticipate   They are imaginary at this point. Crossing bridges before I get to them. To do?  luxuriate in events of now—lying in this bed. Recalling yesterday!s drawings and walks and meet ups with neighbors—T and Z.  Long FaceTime w S as she prepared her food.  No criticism of each other. Creating a new normal?  Hearing about it, I talking about it electronically?  A new puzzle

Thoughts and wishes for a young stranger in Japan? Known only by his YouTube vlog.,  Grandsons music round in my head. Eg. Awake Me. Baruch”s face informing my drawing of Jesus, made yesterday evening in my garage while my darling Red wandered off to K’s to play with Luca. Gone a half hour without my noticing. Smiling happily as he padded home, accompanied by K.  Like yesterday, but the beautiful K was his escort home

Report today

Pancake? no, Toxic fungus

 We hear some news about S’s condition, I presume. Meantime, I’m wasting time three hours of AM TV, bad ones. Have a great walk with red From the dog park to the , now Sittingin the chair with him this afternoon Listening to his little snores. 

Labor

 

For now. 

Is this how a Holiday should feel?  So lazy?  Disconnected and don’t care?  Stuff on my mind comes from screens,

Watching:  bad movie from yesterday— how do those actors live with themselves?—Fox news commentary on working, earning Americans and envious “takers.” YouTube feeds and me trying to boost $ & # for my “two boys,” CursedSk1y and Daichi (how long will this last?).  

Good dog

 

K’s picture, yesterday 

Such a good dog. Had difficulty walking Him today. My muscles were not into it, but we walked a mile anyway .  His digestive health is still isn’t what I would like it to be

Rain and sunshine

Yesterday

Busy day today started out raining now sunny for the occasional clouds, threatening more rain, but overall very pleasant, except somebody is burning wood and it smells terrible. 

Get the furniture reset on the newly painted deck with no problem from furniture

   Vacuumed house and prep for a visit from K. Gave away two paintings, one my pastel from New Orleans, the other a small watercolor by a different artist. Lovely visit

    Spell to S. Texts from DJ about OSU game  Feels like a terrific Labor Day weekend

Favored bugs

 

Lady Bug this morning.

Good luck

Grooming

Tuesday Bayside

Don’t love my haircut this month. Do I go back or just wait six weeks? We’ll see. I started cutting on it on my own actually.  Red to the groomer today, then an and I went grocery shopping. Delicious muffins  I’m definitely eating more and more sugar, especially

Lord, I am thankful I live in an era of cleanliness and Sanitation. I watched a short vid about cowboy stench And realize most of time was like that. One commentator said if everyone stinks then nobody stinks. But that just can’t be true   Thank you, Lord, for good grooming. 

Up in the air

Again Bayside yesterday

Red barfed shortly after his little breakfast with meds. So he probably lost the meds too. We postponed his shots to Saturday. Will go to bank to make a big deposit for S. 

Urgently grumpy today

 

Yesterday’s paint job;

That was satisfying

I think that means I feel panicky, but I’m not sure why